Swimming Banned On French Beach As Sexually Frustrated Dolphin Terrorises Tourists

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A beach in Brittany, France has banned visitors from swimming in the sea due to a large creature preying on humans.

Now, this may sound like the plot of a Jaws copycat movie, but this sea mammal has far randier intentions and is definitely more of a lover than a fighter.

At three metres in length, Zafar the dolphin is currently in a disturbing state of arousal; rubbing himself against small boats such as kayaks for his own sexual gratification.

Unfortunately, Zafar’s insatiable lust has also extended to human tourists; who he has been approaching with some seriously filthy intentions in mind.

Horny Zafar has been approaching tourists and trying to rub against them in a bid to sate his unspeakable appetites.

Zafar has attempted to stop various people from swimming away from him, back to the dry land of the Landévennec beach. Terrifyingly, he has even used his nose to propel one woman out of the sea and into the air.

A brand new bylaw decreed by Landévennec mayor, Roger Lars, has been implemented to help keep people safe from Zafar’s alarming friskiness, as of 20 August 2018:

Swimming and diving are banned on the village shoreline… whenever the presence of the dolphin is confirmed.

Approaching within 50 metres of the dolphin is also forbidden.

Mayor Lars informed French publication Ouest France:

I took this decree to preserve the safety of people, Many bathers were very frightened. He even raised a bather last Thursday, with his nose.

Lars also explained how the ban will also allow scientists to approach the libidinous mammal:

Only accredited scientists have the right to come and examine it, without this accreditation, it is not possible, so it was better to ban swimming and approaching.

Director of at Océanopolis marine theme park conservation centre, Samy Hassani, told Ouest France:

The dolphin is a wild mammal, it lives in a band normally, with precise social rules. Will still seek contact, rubbing against boats, or people. [sic]

However, there are those who believe this ban is excessive and could even turn people against dolphins for no good porpoise. Sorry.

According to France 24, Lawyer Erwan Le Cornec plans to petition against the ban, on the basis of ‘administrative over-reach’:

How many accidents involving a dolphin and a human have occurred in the region of Finistere since the two species have lived side-by-side? None.

With this decree the mayor is trying to make out that the dolphin is almost like a ferocious beast, something that is completely unpredictable, able to drown people.

[The mayor] will overturn the rightly positive approach that people have towards dolphins into a fear of these intelligent animals.

Before going into a state of arousal, Zafar was a beloved sight at the unfortunately named Bay of Brest.

He would often visit the beaches of Plougastel-Daoulas, Logonna-Daoulas and Landevennec; making tourists laugh with his silly, innocent antics.

Zafar was a friend to children attending sailing schools in the area, who loved the sight of the dolphin frolicking playfully near their boats.

Zafar would even sometimes allow human swimmers to go for a ride with him, where they would hold trustingly onto his dorsal fin.

Let’s hope he calms down soon so that his reputation is restored.

But, wild animals will always be wild, and humans have to realise there are some things they cannot control and should therefore avoid meddling with.

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Julia Banim

Jules studied English Literature with Creative Writing at Lancaster University before earning her masters in International Relations at Leiden University in The Netherlands (Hoi!). She then trained as a journalist through News Associates in Manchester. Jules has previously worked as a mental health blogger, copywriter and freelancer for various publications.