Getty ImagesWith Christmas fast approaching, it is important to take a moment to remember this lesson…
When we are munching away on our turkey, we must not feel guilty for eating this bird. Alas, we should be elated that we managed to neutralise one of mankind’s most hideous enemies.
The turkey, otherwise known as the meleagris gallopavo, doesn’t translate to “aggressive feathered asshole”, but definitely should. It is simply the scientific name for the common wild turkey, which is sandwich filling fodder or with the festive season upon us, the main event at a dinner table.
Unfortunately, even in death, it’s still a bastard. Its meat is equally dry, disappointing and tastes of next to nothing (no, it does not taste like fucking chicken). So yes, they even die in vain. Pricks.
If you think I’m being a bit harsh and think they look cute and cuddly, than you’re obviously fucking insane. They’re 20 pounds of beak, claws and aggression and they strut around like they own the place. These really aren’t our feathered friends.
For those of you out there who still need convincing, here are a few videos that prove beyond any doubt that turkeys are ‘orrible cunts that deserve to be stuffed, roasted and smothered in cranberry sauce. Gobble, gobble motherfuckers.
Apparently they’re so speedy as fuck, even a motorbike can’t outrun them. If they evolve opposable thumbs we’re pretty much doomed…
Not too dissimilar to paranormal activity, filming them means the situation escalates a lot quicker…
They even attack children, how fucking dare they? Where’s the humanity!?
Red card ref, surely? I think defenders would be more fearful of him than Diego Costa…
Even our law enforcement can’t stop them, they literally have no fear. ‘Fuck the police’.
The only thing that can save you from these feathery bastards is the safe confines of your car… but even then they’ll surround you. Better get comfy lads – you’ll be waiting a while for them to piss off. Look at that glare.
Turkeys are assholes. Enough said.
