So you’re into movies, you’ve watched most of those listed on the IMDB top 250, and consider yourself something of a film buff.
All you have to do now is learn how to loudly trumpet your movie fandom so that everyone knows that you’re into films, and are better than them.
Here’s a few simple steps to help you act like a pretentious film buff…
Refer To Films Only As “Cinema” Never Movies
Girl on date: “So do you like films?”
You: “Yes, I adore cinema“.
Girl on date grimaces slightly at your pretension and makes a mental note never to see you ever again.
Quote Fellini Despite Never Having Watched His Films
Nothing screams film buff more than pretending to have a vast and intricate knowledge of obscure European cinema from masters like Jean Luc-Godard, Jean Renoir and Federico Fellini.
You don’t even need to watch Fellini’s films for this one, simply start appropriating his quotes while wearing a beret outside a coffee shop and smoking strong cigarettes, whenever anyone asks you your opinion on anything.
Friend: “Did you watch the game last night?”
You: “There is no end. There is no beginning. There is only the infinite passion of life.”
Friend: “…So no then?”
Use The Term Mise-En-Scène Even Though You’ve No Idea What It Actually Means
No matter which film you’re talking about, whether it’s an Alexander Payne dramedy or the latest toy advertisement from Marvel, talk about it in the most pretentious, academic terms possible to show everyone that you’ve studied film theory.
“Oh yes, I adore how Fight Club starts in media res, and the mise-en-scène is simply astounding.”
Don’t worry about the contemptuous stare you receive after uttering this to your girlfriend, that just means you’re doing it right.
Use Any Conversational Gap To Show Off Your Film Knowledge
Any film buff worth his salty popcorn will use every single opportunity to expound at length on the intricacies of film theory.
It doesn’t matter if you’re standing in the rain weeping over the empty chasm of your father’s grave, they’ll still be keen to interrupt your anguish to remark how funerals always remind them of the funeral scene from Steel Magnolias.
Passive-Aggressively Dismiss Anything Commercial
A film buff is basically a movie hipster who, for some reason – unspecified even to themselves – believes that any film that achieves a modicum of popular success has somehow sacrificed artistic integrity for money.
So if you want to act like a film buff then you’re going to have to throw shade on successful films, all while pretending to enjoy some gritty black and white Hungarian comedy about a Holocaust denier, even though you know secretly in your heart it isn’t a patch on Finding Nemo.
Sit Forward In The Cinema Stroking Your Chin In Quiet Judgement
That way everyone else in the cinema can see how into film you are and accordingly think that you’re digesting the film on an intellectual level that they can only hazard a guess at.
For full effect, take notes using a light pen.
Loudly Take It Upon Yourself To Shush People In The Cinema
Don’t even threaten to ‘go and get the man’, if you hear someone talking you’ve got to loudly confront the talkers by acting like they just walked into your house on Christmas morning, pissed into your Xmas pudding and burned down the tree.
Hell hath no fury like a film buff trying to watch a film while someone talks quietly in the same room!
Dismiss Spielberg As “Populist Bullshit”
But secretly you absolutely fucking love his films and know that even his less well received ones (Catch Me If You Can, Minority Report) are vastly more entertaining than whatever indie drama you’re pretending to like.
Use Art House Cinemas Instead Of Multiplexes
You know the kind of place – instead of popcorn and candy they sell San Pellegrino (the acceptable soft drink of the middle classes) and receive Art Council funding.
And, even though the screens are cold and the staff are bearded hipster cretins, you pretend you fucking love it.
Unflinchingly Stab An Infant If They Spoil A Film For You
Nobody can be shown any mercy if they either knowingly or unwittingly spoil a film for you.
Nobody!
