Kevin Smith Says His Life-Saving Weight Loss Gave Him ‘19 Tits’

Two years ago, Kevin Smith – the indie cinema legend behind Clerks, Dogma and big-screen stoners Jay and Silent Bob – almost died of a heart attack.

And now, off the back of the release of Jay and Silent Bob Reboot, which sees the skeeby stoners return for more meta adventures, Kevin Smith is in the best of health and more than ready to take on UNILAD’s The Ten.

You know the drill by know, we sit down with celebrities and fire The Ten most innocuous questions at them. So think of it as ten rounds fired in the face of the man who came up with 37 Dicks, Cousin Walt and made Alanis Morrissette god.

The motherfucker like MacGyver unsurprisingly has a lot to say about finding fame despite a small dick, Space Mountain and Manchester’s peerless falafel wraps, and that’s before he gets his tits out…

1) You’ve got a time machine, where’s the first place you’re going?

Kevin Smith: Naturally you’re tempted to say, ‘I gotta go stop Hitler!’ but I’m pretty sure some other time traveller did that before me. Cos if I’m getting around and time travelling, clearly Hitler’s already been eradicated. So, if I could time travel, I’d go back in time to 1993 and go find the 22-year-old me who was making Clerks and be like, ‘Thank you!’ Holy Christ, you have no idea. What you’re doing right now resonates for a quarter of a century. A quarter century from now I don’t have to work for a living because you made this movie today.’

I’d give that kid a big hug. I’d actually ask him: ‘Why the fuck did you think you’re gonna do this? I know you. You’re not talented, you’re not ambitious, you’re not smart. Why was this the one thing in the world you were like: “I’m gonna try this”?’ I find that kid endlessly fascinating. He got me here, so I’d like to go back and talk to him. Either that or Jesus.

2) What’s the most famous-person thing you’ve ever done?

Kevin Smith: What’s the most famous-person thing I’ve done, like, whose dick have I sucked?

UNILAD: You could read it that way… What’s the most celebrity thing you’ve ever done?

Kevin Smith: I’m not a party guy, so I’ve never been like: ‘We did a fucking mountain of blow.’ I don’t try to use the position [I’m in], except… this is not going to sound very celebrity, but, I called up Disneyland, told them I was coming, see if that would do anything. They were like: ‘Who is this?’ And then after I explained who I was, they were like: ‘You can hire this service that will take you to the front of every line.’ I was like, really, what does that cost? And they were like $2,000. And it was $2,000 versus waiting in line for Space Mountain? Fuck it, let’s do it, so we paid to jump the lines at Disneyland.

And I felt like when you do that people will see you and be like, ‘You fucking jerk!’ because they’re mad they’re still in the line. And you want to stop and be, ‘Look man, I worked real hard in life, so I can pay $2,000 and jump the line. But please don’t take this away from me, I’m nothing.’ So that was it. I remember, I didn’t want to do it, because one time Jason Mewes went to Magic Mountains with Ben [Affleck] and Matt [Damon] and they just got to jump the line because they’re fucking famous and shit like that. And everyone behind them was like: ‘Fuck Good Will Hunting!’ So I didn’t want to take advantage. But I’m not as famous as them, so nobody noticed. It’s either that or a three-way.

3) If you weren’t a film director, what do you think you’d be doing with your life?

Kevin Smith: I’d probably still be working at that convenience store I made Clerks at. That was a good job, man. They let me bring in a TV and a VCR and since it was right next to a video store I would just watch movies all day long. Every once in a while I’d ring up a customer, but generally speaking, man, I liked that job, I would’ve stayed with it.

If Clerks had never happened, I guarantee you, I’d still be in that convenience store. Maybe right about now I’d be like: ‘Maybe I could buy the convenience store,’ but I doubt that I’d have that much ambition nor enough money to do that. I’d have been happy working there.

4) You have one wish and it has to be selfish, what do you wish for?

Kevin Smith: I mean when I was younger I’d be like ‘a bigger dick’, but I’ve made it so far with a very small dick, so you don’t need that. And it seems like problematic and shit, right? Like where do you put it? So, it’s not that. It’s got to be selfish? Okay, 10 more wishes. Either that or eternal life, but with 10 more wishes you can cover a lot more ground. And eternal life, sooner or later, you’re gonna be like ‘this blows’. Like, I’m 49 and already I’m looking at the world like, ‘What happened?’ So I can’t imagine if I was living another 300 years that things would be much better.

Shit. Oh I got one: a hundred million dollar movie, that I make a movie that makes $100 million at the box office. ‘Cos that’s something from childhood like ‘$100 million that’s big!’ and none of my movies has ever done that, they’ve only topped out at like $30 million. So if I could make a selfish wish it would be: I want to make a movie that makes $100 million. Cos then I feel like I could quit. ‘I’m fucking done.’ There’s nothing to do after that. But it’s so stupid and banal, it doesn’t really matter to anybody but me, and shit, but you know, it’s a selfish wish, so fuck it.

UNILAD: It answers a banal question…

Kevin Smith: That’s true.

5) Whose career are you secretly jealous of?

Kevin Smith: What a great fucking question. Who do I look at and go like, ‘Man!’? Maybe Quentin’s [Tarantino] to some degree. Just because he can do no wrong. Even when a movie comes out and it doesn’t go too well, people are like, ‘He’s a fucking genius’ and stuff. That would be great, no matter what you did, people were like, ‘Oh it’s excellent.’ I’d take that. Of course it helps to be excellent like Quentin. I guess, if I wanted his career, I’d want his talent more than his career. Because if I had his talent I’d have his fucking career. Otherwise I’d have his career without earning it. Yeah, I’d want his talent. That’s a little greedy, but to want his career and talent… I sound like He Who Shall Not Be Named, Voldemort, I want more. ‘I want his talent, Harry. I want it all.’ I should’ve just been like, ‘Nah his career would be good,’ and leave it at that. God, I sounded like a villain, man. And it was such an easy question.

6) What is your strongest held opinion?

Kevin Smith: This question just forced me to face the fact that I have no strong opinions about anything. I’m a weak-willed individual. I believe that everybody is talented. I think the term ‘talent’ is overused. They like to say ‘this person is talented, that person is talented’, I think everybody has the ability to tell a story. We’re all perfect little content generators. The only difference between all of us is some people are foolhardy enough to be like, ‘Everyone must know what I’m thinking,’ and other people are more, like, civil, and like, ‘They don’t have to know what I’m thinking, but if they did, they’ll feel that way.’

Everybody can be a storyteller. Everybody can make a movie. I honestly believe that. Anybody can make a movie. If I’ve made 12 movies in my career, if not more, anybody can make a movie. Because I’m a chimp and I figured it out. That is my strongest held belief. Anybody can make a movie. It’s not very controversial, right. Like some people’s strongest held belief is ‘Peace in this lifetime!’ and I’m like, ‘Anyone can make a movie.’

7) What’s something you’ve never admitted publicly but you’ll tell me now?

Kevin Smith: That’s hard, because I talk a lot, and I’m candid as fuck. I’m trying to think if I’ve never not said something. Like even before when I threw away a joke, ‘or a three-way’, that was fucking true. I can’t think of something that I’ve not told anybody. Fuck, I had one, I was like, ‘I’m gonna tell you this poignant story about my kid,’ but I’ve told that one before. But I’ll tell it here anyway. Ah, but no, that’s not the point, it’s got to be something nobody’s ever heard before. Fuck, who knew that this would be the one that derailed me. Oh! No, my wife knows that… Well, but that don’t count…

Alright, so I went vegan and I lost a bunch of weight and people are like, ‘You look good’ and shit, but if I take these clothes off, and believe me I won’t, the whole body looks like… remember Robocop when the guy got hit with the toxic waste and ‘URGHHH!!!’ and everything’s drooping and hanging and he had like 19 tits..? That’s what I look like when I take my gear off. I may have lost weight, but since the weight went away all the skin just drops, so I’ve got droopy fucking hanging skin underneath these clothes. It’s horrible to look at. You wanna see it?

Quite clearly a still from Robocop and not a picture of Kevin Smith’s 19 tits:

8) You’re stuck living the same day over and over, what day would it be and why?

Kevin Smith: I’ll go local. I was here a few months ago cos me and my friend Ralph Garman did a tour of our podcast, Hollywood Babble-On. I had a one day down in Manchester where we didn’t have a show, I didn’t have an agenda. So I got up and walked around because I’m a big New Order fan, so I’m like, ‘Well if this is where New Order came from and the Hacienda and shit, I bet I’ll be able to find some old New Order merchandise or stuff like that.’

So I went out on the town, walking around Manchester and really fell in love with the city. That had everything to do with, I went to this falafel joint, walked away with a wrap that was hands down the best falafel wrap I ever had in my life. I know this for a fact because I’ve been trying to recreate the experience for the last few months. I keep getting falafel wraps and being like, ‘Fuck!’ and just throwing them out because they’re not Manchester.

So I bought a bunch of Manchester shit, a bunch of artwork about the Hacienda, about Factory Records, pictures of the streets and stuff, drawings of Manchester. It’s a very artsy city with the street art where they just paint shit all over. So I had this amazing fucking day in Manchester and I was by myself. And I met so many people who were just so damned fucking sweet and kind – some people knew who I was and some people were just like, ‘You’re American, I’m just gonna talk to you.’ Learned about where the bee came from and all that shit.

Honestly, I’m not just playing local here. That was one of my favourite days in my entire life. And whenever I tell my wife about this story she’s like, ‘I wasn’t there,’ and I’m like, ‘I’m sure that had nothing to do with it.’ But it was. If I could live in that moment over and over again, I would totally, because I got to discover a place, and I’d get to do it over and over again.

So that one day in Manchester. Oh my god, what a great title for my autobiography, One Day In Manchester. And people would be like, ‘Are you from there?’ and I’d be like, ‘Fuck no, I just went there once and had a great falafel wrap,’ and they’re like, ‘Your life was simple and basic.’

9) Have you ever been left convinced – or at least persuaded – by a fake news story about yourself?

Kevin Smith: I don’t know anything in life but I know Kevin Smith inside and out, so I don’t think I’ve ever seen a story where I’ve been like, ‘Yeah that might have happened’. I remember everything and I’ve got a steel trap memory, so no that’s never happened. I’ve seen stories that are untrue, but I’ve never been like, ‘I believe this.’

10) If you had to remove one colour from the world forever, which would it be and why?

Kevin Smith: Can I hit you with a question? Why am I doing this? What kind of god-like power do I have and all I choose to do with it is, ‘I will eradicate a colour!’ Which colour would I get rid of? Man, fuck teal, there you go. Who does it think it is? Just be blue. Fuck teal.

Jay and Silent Bob Reboot is available on Digital HD, DVD, and Blu-Ray now.