Spare a thought for Hollywood’s Tom Cruise, who apparently is in need of our attention.
Let’s put the climate crisis, global economic stagnation and never-ending housing shortage on hold because a half-billion dollar superstar is getting on.
To be honest, at the ripe age of middling thirties, I’ve been subjected to plenty of ‘OK boomer’ recently from my more youthful colleagues, so you know what, I’m siding with Tom on this one. Toxic masculinity be damned.
When Cruise flies back in to cinema screens this coming summer in Top Gun: Maverick, the Mav will be ripe old age of 58.
But while we scratch our raggedy chins and wonder ‘Hey, that kinda does sound like a pretty mature age to be whipping around in a MiG-28,’ he’s apparently flown over the hill for another of his fictional guises.
In an interview with The Times, Jack Reacher author, Lee Child has some harsh news for Mr Cruise.
Child had a clause in the movie contract that gave him the option of ending the franchise after two films. He subsequently took it. As a TV reboot heads to Amazon Prime, Cruise won’t be involved.
Cruise was reluctant. He had his own investment in it, he was gonna argue against it. It sounds extremely patronising but I think it’s good for him. He’s too old for this stuff. He’s 57, he needs to move on, transition to being a character actor. He could get another 20 years out of it. He has the talent. He’s a terrific guy, very considerate, good fun.
Questioned if the two hang out, Child added:
I don’t really hang out with anybody. I try to avoid people if I can.
He may want to avoid going out in public at all after going where I told myself I wouldn’t; the vertically challenged elephant in the room.
I’ve never seen him in bare feet. He wears Timberland boots with a decent sole on them. [But] he is absolutely average height. About 5ft 8in. All actors are small.
Taking the conversation in the direction of, ‘Wait, are you talking about people or some kind of Bratz doll fetish?’ he added:
Daniel Craig! He’s about 5ft 7in. He’s a tiny guy. I was on a plane with him once. The camera loves certain things. Small people with large heads. Anne Hathaway’s eyes. Julia Roberts’ mouth.
Taking our minds from Julia Roberts’ mouth, this isn’t the first time Child has had a pop at Cruise’s stature.
In 2018 when the Jack Reacher reboot was first announced, Child explained the backlash against Cruise (5ft 7) playing Reacher (6ft 5).
He told BBC Radio Manchester:
Cruise, for all his talent, didn’t have that physicality.
I really enjoyed working with Cruise. He’s a really, really nice guy. We had a lot of fun.
But ultimately the readers are right. The size of Reacher is really, really important and it’s a big component of who he is.
As the saying goes, it’s not the size, it’s what you do with it that counts.
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Tim Horner is a sub-editor at UNILAD. He graduated with a BA Journalism from University College Falmouth before most his colleagues were born. A previous editor of adult mags, he now enjoys bringing the tone down in the viral news sector.