The Lord of the Rings/New Line CinemaThe hobbits, with their cute Shire and big hairy feet, always felt like the true innocents of The Lord Of The Rings.
They were all about second breakfasts, merriment and ale. Only the threat of Middle-earth being engulfed by evil could lure them from their cosy hobbit holes.
However, a new theory from writer, podcaster and ex pro-wrestler Matt Wallace suggests there is more Walter White than Gandalf the White to these jolly little fellows…
In a series of tweets, which pretty much add up to a mini-essay, Matt argues how ‘the Hobbit economy makes no f*cking sense unless Hobbits are running a secret drug empire spanning Middle Earth’.
His argument is weirdly convincing…
It was all about the pipe weed, people. IT WAS ALL ALWAYS ABOUT THE PIPE WEED. And do you know who's at the center? The fucking Hobbits.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
Here it is, straight-up: The Hobbit economy makes no fucking sense unless Hobbits are running a secret drug empire spanning Middle Earth.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
That's right, the unassuming, perpetually dismissed and ignored 'harmless' little Hobbits. They are the Walter White of Middle Earth.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
Matt goes on to explain how evil necromancer Sauron, whom he describes as being the ‘original kingpin’, kicked off the whole seedy enterprise.
After the anti-drugs elves knocked him from his insidious throne, the hobbits seized the opportunity to become top dog in the pipe-weed trade, using their sweet, lazy reputation as a unique sales tactic.
It all started with Sauron. He was indeed trying to conquer Middle Earth……'s illegal pipe weed drug trade. He was the original kingpin.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
So the Elves–NOTORIOUSLY anti-pipe weed, the Elves–band together to topple Sauron's massive drug empire. And they do.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
Enter Hobbits, seizing an opportunity. No one would EVER suspect them. They fill the Sauron gap, start manufacturing/distributing pipe weed.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
The genius move is they UTILIZE their profile among the other races. They're openly like, "Yeah pipe weed it's a harmless lil Hobbit habit."
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
"You know us Hobbits," they say, "smokin' our pipe weed, being lazy an' shit." They turn their illicit product into a comical affectation.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
The hobbits were able to accumulate enough wealth to maintain their prosperous, six-meals-a-day lifestyle.
However, ‘head of the Hobbit pipe weed cartel’ Bilbo Baggins didn’t get too comfy. He knew the whole shebang would fall down on their pointy ears should Sauron ever return.
Yep, Bilbo was super moral and reserved in the official story, but in reality he was a four-dimensional-chess playing criminal mastermind…
Cut to Bilbo Baggins, head of the Hobbit pipe weed cartel. Bilbo's no fool. He knows Sauron is still a threat, laying in the cut, like.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
Bilbo needs insurance against Sauron's return. What insurance? What else, the mamajammin' ONE RING. It's the key. Bilbo knows it.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
Revelation: The Hobbit is essentially The Usual Suspects and Bilbo is Keyser Soze the whole time. HE MASTERMINDED THE ENTIRE EXPEDITION.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
Crafty Bilbo was able to lie and scheme his way across Middle-earth, using his homely Hobbit persona to mask his true intentions.
The dwarves, the dragon, the gold, ALL of that bullshit. It was a smokescreen to get Bilbo inside the mountain so he could get the One Ring.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
Bilbo knew about the One Ring the whole time and he wanted as insurance against Sauron's return. He duped EVERYONE to get it.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
And it worked, better than even Bilbo could've planned it. The Hobbits sold pipe weed to half the veterans of The Battle of the Five Armies.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
Sixty years after Bilbo’s adventures in The Hobbit, the events in The Lord of the Rings saga begin.
At this point, Bilbo has grown tired of the weight of his kingpin crown and scarpers to live a simpler life with the Elves.
However, not before duping his younger cousin Frodo into becoming the new ‘Pablo Escohobbit’.
Cut to 60 years later. Bilbo has made his money, he's done the Pablo Escohobbit bit. He's older and wants out of the game.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
Bilbo hears the rumblings. Gandalf brings the word Sauron is gathering strength again. Bilbo has the ring, but he doesn't want the hassle.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
So Bilbo pulls the ultimate dick move: He dupes Frodo into take the reins as El Hefe of the Hobbit cartel w/o telling him Sauron is back.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
Bilbo makes a big show of retiring. Frodo, you get the house, the ring, the crown. It's your time to shine, crazy diamond. ASSHOLE HOBBIT.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
Despite being tricked into the illicit position, Frodo shows real resourcefulness and cunning.
Frodo is left holding the bag when he finds out Sauron is back for his turf. But Frodo is no fool, either. He's learned from his uncle.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
That brings us to Saruman. Remember the pipe weed they found in Saruman's stores later? THOSE WERE SAMPLES, Y'ALL. HE WAS BEING RECRUITED.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
Frodo sent Gandalf to broker a deal with Saruman. The Hobbits would cut him in on the pipe weed trade if he backed them against Sauron.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
But Saruman double crosses the Hobbit cartel, imprisons Gandalf, keeps the pipe weed, and sides with Sauron in the coming drug war.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
Frodo eventually becomes as much of a cold hearted hard-ass as Bilbo himself, even bumping off Boromir once he got a little too wise.
"I'll carry the ring," was Frodo tearing a page out of Bilbo's Keyser Soze playbook and using everyone else to carry out a hit on Sauron.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
"But I don't know the way." BULL. SHIT. What, maps aren't a thing? He fuckin' knew what he was doing from jump street, people.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
Look at the game Frodo ran on Galadriel. "Offering" her the ring, playing on her vain-ass sense of nobility. CLASSIC grifter shit.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
And I think Boromir was onto Frodo. I think Boromir started to get wise. I think the "thief" thing was BS. Frodo engineered his death.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
I think Frodo cut Aragorn in on the pipe weed trade and promised him the throne of Gondor if he 86'ed Boromir. I can't confirm that, tho.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
Matt even reveals the true origin story of Gollum, which reveals tragic depths to the bug eyed, cave-fish eating creature.
And Gollum? Just one more pipe weed junkie victim of the Hobbit drug trade that Frodo kept hip-pocketed as a patsy and a sacrificial lamb.
— Matt Wallace (@MattFnWallace) September 13, 2017
I would pay so much money to see this grittier version directed by Peter Jackson…
Jules studied English Literature with Creative Writing at Lancaster University before earning her masters in International Relations at Leiden University in The Netherlands (Hoi!). She then trained as a journalist through News Associates in Manchester. Jules has previously worked as a mental health blogger, copywriter and freelancer for various publications.