WARNING: Contains literally all the spoilers.
Attention impatient Game of Thrones fans who can’t wait until next year to find out what happens in season seven…
One Reddit user – who has now deleted their account in fear of the wrath of HBO, I expect – has leaked the entire plot of season seven, which is set to premier in mid-2017.
So read on at your peril, for here is everything you never wanted to know about the fate of our favourite fictional friends and foes, in advance, rendering your enjoyment of the TV show totally redundant.
Reddit user maureencreates has helpfully put all of the revelations in chronological order for your perusal, with set notes and location sightings, putting the nail in the coffin of any prospective surprises coming your way.
All the information below is made up of unconfirmed rumour, according to the author.
Episode 1
The White Walkers march south towards the Wall while Bran crosses the Wall back into Westeros and meets with Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, Dolorous Edd.
Sansa offers the land belonging to those who betrayed Jon to those who supported him, but Jon refuses to hold the Karstark and Umber children responsible for their fathers’ actions.
Lyanna Mormont is displeased but Jon stands firm, refusing to rule the North in the way of his predecessors.
Dany and her fleet land at Dragonstone to tense silence.
She walks up the steps and through the building until she reaches Stannis’ old War Room. Tyrion follows close behind. She looks out the window at the land that used to belong to her family.
Dany picks up one of the chess-like pieces on the table and looks at Tyrion and asks ‘Shall we begin?’
Episode 2
Jon receives word from Danaerys requesting an audience with all Northern lords on Dragonstone. Jon and Davos decide to go to in order to acquire some dragonglass – the material that can allegedly kill White Walkers.
Sansa is left in charge of Winterfell and leaves Ghost behind.
Episode 3
Jon and Davos arrive on Dragonstone and are met by Tyrion on the beach, who takes them to meet Danaerys.
Dany demands Jon kneel. Jon instead tells her about the White Walker threat. His warnings fall on deaf ears.
Davos tries to tell her about Jon’s resurrection, but Jon shrugs it off. Tyrion vouches for Jon’s sanity and Dany respects Jon immediately. The respect is not mutual.
Bran arrives at Winterfell and Meera returns home to the Neck.
Episode 4
Arya arives at Winterfell.
Episode 5
Sam leaves Oldtown for Winterfell with Gilly and the baby. Jorah reunites with Dany at Dragonstone after healing his greyscale in Oldtown. Jon receives a raven letting him know that Bran and Arya are at Winterfell.
Jamie and Bronn meet with Tyrion and Davos. Tyrion tries to persuade Jamie to get Cersei to surrender to Dany. Jamie ignores it.
Episode 6
Jon sails towards Eastwatch-by-the-Sea; the easternmost Night’s Watch castle. They are looking to capture one of the White Walker’s zombies and present it to the other lords of Westeros and Dany as proof they exist and to forge allegiances.
Jon leads a small force (including Beric, Thoros, Tormund, Jorah and Gendry) but they are attacked by the Night Kings army. A zombie polar bear kills Thoros.
They are surrounded on a frozen lake, close to defeat, when Dany arrives with her dragons. She flies most of the team back to safety but leaves Jon behind. Apparently the Night’s King is able to kill her dragon Viserion and resurrect it as his own zombie dragon mount.
Jon is almost killed by the encroaching hoards but Benjen swoops in and saves him. He sends the wounded Jon off on his horse before Benjen is swarmed and presumably killed by the wights.
At some point in the episode Jon promises to Dany to lay down his title as King in the North if the Mother of Dragons promises to help them stop the White Walkers.
Episode 7
Sansa sentences Littlefinger to death. Arya kills Littlefinger.
Cersei awakens in a bed soaked with blood; an assumed miscarriage.
Sam and Bran figure out Jon’s heritage. He is apparently a legitimised Targaryen named “Aegon”.
In the more NSFW narrative, Jon and Dany have sex for the first time on a boat headed North.
Finally, season seven closes with The Wall falling after the Night King attack with the reanimated Viserion, who now breathes blue flame, ICYMI.
According to maureencreates, the following events are likely to happen within the first few episodes:
- Cersei becomes pregnant again with Jamie’s child.
- Arya uses Walder Frey’s face to hold a banquet and poison his sons but makes sure the women are dismissed first. Arya also encounters Nymeria on her way to Winterfell.
- Dorne and High Garden get trashed by the Lannisters.
Watch out for these events in episode three or four:
- Jon and Theon meet while Jon is travelling South of Winterfell and Jon tells Theon he owes his life to his good deed for Sansa.
Episode for four or five will see:
- The Dothraki and Dany attack the Lannister army on their way back from the Reach, where Jamie and Bron wait. Despite the Lannister army having a giant anti-dragon spear gun, they are defeated. Bron saves Jamie from a dragon, and the two manage to escape.
- Jon remains at Dragonstone during this battle, as he is not aligned with Dany yet. Jon isn’t afraid of Drogon and pets him on Dany’s return from the battle, which Drogon allows. This surprises Dany. Jorah doesn’t care for Jon initially, but they warm to each other. Jon offers Longclaw back to Jorah, who refuses it.
- Arya and Brienne spar, and it is thought that Brienne leaves Winterfell shortly after.
- Meanwhile, Jamie travels to Highgarden and Olenna drinks poison after she admits to killing Joffrey. Jamie returns to King’s Landing in time for the dragonpit meeting.
Apparently, evidence has shown that these events are likely to happen in episode five:
- Sam, Gilly and baby Sam leave Oldtown for Winterfell. It is unsure whether they ever arrive.
- Supposedly, “Sam and Bran figure out Jon’s heritage” which implies that Gilly figures out Rhaegar’s marriage status.
- Euron kills two of the Sand Snakes, imprisons Ellaria and makes her watch as Tyene dies a slow death from poison. Euron’s fleet destroys Yara’s and he takes her prisoner. Theon abandons her, jumps overboard and is rescued by some Iron Born. Euron captures one of the Greyjoy siblings.
- Dany torches some Westerosi lords, including Sam’s father and brother.
- Tyrion spends most of the season advising Dany and planning an attack on Casterly Rock via a secret sewer entrance he used to sneak whores into the castle.
…And you’ll have a little while to wait for this in episode seven:
- At the well-attended meeting at the dragonpit, Jon demonstrates the existence of the White Walkers and it terrifies Cersei. She tells him she will send forces to help defeat the undead, but admits to Jamie she was lying. She wants the undead to clear out as many of her enemies as possible. Disgusted, Jamie begins to ride North.
- Tyrion takes a moment to talk to Cersei alone after the Dragonpit parlay.
Gird your loins, people; as expected, the show will continue to break your hearts, burn your hopes and tear down all that is good and pure in the world of Westeross.
Meanwhile, the Throne-chasers have starting paying attention to the big army of zombies that fast approaches. Finally!
And as a warning to all you spoiler junkies, the original Reddit spoil sport has been condemned by Nathalie Emmanuel, who plays Daenerys Targaryen’s handmaiden.
I hope she persuades her mistress to rein down dragon terror on him for his impatience and treachery.
For shame.
A former emo kid who talks too much about 8Chan meme culture, the Kardashian Klan, and how her smartphone is probably killing her. Francesca is a Cardiff University Journalism Masters grad who has done words for BBC, ELLE, The Debrief, DAZED, an art magazine you’ve never heard of and a feminist zine which never went to print.