Let’s be honest, we all know the original 151 Pokemon from gen 1 are the best, so let’s stop fucking around and get down to it – I’m ranking the lot from worst to best.
May God have mercy on my soul – and remember this is just an opinion on a series of video games aimed primarily at kids, so remain calm.
151: Mr Mime
Let’s not beat around the bush: Mr Mime is a properly creepy looking Pokemon, and nobody should want him in their party or near their kids.
150: Magikarp
The only reason Magikarp isn’t dead last is because it at least evolves into Gyarados at level 20 – but it’s a lot of flaccid splashing till then.
149: Zubat
Hardly shocking, is it? This fucker is the Nicholas Cage of Pokemon, in that it’s absolutely fucking everywhere.
148: Electrode
“Hey we need another Pokemon, dude” – “How about a Pokeball with eyes?” – “Fucking smashed it mate, LUNCH!”.
147: Rattata
Nobody wants a rat on their team. You know those people who insist rats are actually really smart and it’s not weird to keep them as pets? Yeah, it’s weird.
146: Jynx
When Pokemon and hate crime meet, Jynx is born.
145: Gloom
There’s no room in my life for Gloom, Plus, it’s meant to stink – who wants that?
144: Koffing
When you design a Pokemon that looks like a smiling tumour, you’ve gone very, very wrong.
143: Voltorb
“So yeah, we can do a slightly smaller Pokeball with eyes too – I just wanna go home at this point.”
142: Grimer
Grimer is literally a pile of shit and if you like him you probably are too.
141: Raticate
Raticate is a slightly cooler looking rat than Rattata, but it’s still a fucking rat.
140: Exeggcute
Right, how does a pile of eggs evolve into a palm tree? If someone can please tell me, then I can sleep at night again.
139: Goldeen
Pretty much one of the most forgettable Pokemon around. Do you really want a pet fish in a world of dragons and cute electric mouses? I fucking don’t.
138: Krabby
See what I said about Goldeen, but replace fish with crab.
137: Venonat
Liking Venonat is like liking Nickelback – very few people do, and the ones who do won’t admit to it in public.
136: Bellsprout
There is no point to this phallic weed of a Pokemon – but you just know lonely trainers abuse the poor things on cold, long nights.
135: Tentacool
Tentacool is a jellyfish. Nobody actually likes jellyfish. Tentacool needs to get back in the sea.
134: Shelder
A Pokemon that is constantly pulling the :p face has no place in my world.
133: Poliwag
Did you guys know that pink bit isn’t Poliwag’s nose? It’s a fucking mouth. Blew my mind, anyway.
132: Kabuto
Kabuto evolves in Kabutops, so that’s pretty cool, especially given that it’s got nothing going for it as it is.
131: Seel
Meh. That’s pretty much all I have to say about Seel. Sorry.
130: Spearow
If you have a choice between Pidgey and Spearow, and you choose Spearow, then there is something deeply wrong with you.
129: Weedle
Nobody really likes bug Pokemon, do they? Beedrill is pretty cool, but Weedle ain’t no Beedrill.
128: Omanyte
Omanyte is kind of cute – and presumably delicious with a little garlic butter. Can’t wait till he evolves into Dr Zoidberg.
127: Tangela
Tangela reeks a design team who just kind of gave up at this point. Love his red boots, though.
126: Doduo
Pray for Doduo.
125: Mankey
Mankey is a monkey which is cool, but he doesn’t seem like a very approachable monkey – this is a problem for me.
124: Kakuna
You knew this guy wasn’t gonna rank very high. It’s not his fault – he just dreams dreams of being a Beedrill.
123: Metapod
The only reason I’ve put Metapod above Kakuna is because it has a slightly cooler name. They both look and sound a bit like sex toys, though.
122: Seaking
Seaking isn’t that exciting, as far as Pokemon go, but it does look like one of those cool fish that you spend at least five minutes looking at in an aquarium, which is something.
121: Machop
Pokemon meets the Karate Kid. SWEEP THE LEG.
120: Lickitung
A popular Pokemon among the ladies, if you catch my drift.
119: Weepinbell
I wouldn’t go near a Weepinbell by choice to be honest. Gives me the creeps.
118: Drowzee
Drowzee looks like a particularly odd Simpsons character, which I quite like.
117: Caterpie
Caterpie is kind of cute to be honest, isn’t it?
116: Dodrio
Pray for Dodrio.
115: Diglett
Stick a hot dog in the ground, and you’ve got a Diglett.
114: Tauros
Explain to me why people in Pokemon pay upwards of $10,000 for a bike when they could just ride one of these everywhere? Fucking mad.
113: Sandshrew
Sandshrew is cute, chubby, and looks like it’s made of bricks, I’m a fan.
112: Magnemite
There’s nothing that impressive about Magnemite really, is there?
111: Ekans
Is Ekans snake backwards, or is snake Ekans backwards? We may never know.
110: Omastar
Omastar looks like some kind of freaky alien parasite, which is A-okay in my book.
109: Exeggutor
Seriously, do the eggs become coconuts? Were they always coconuts? WHY IS IT A PALM TREE?
108: Slowpoke
Slowpoke is just a chill guy, really. Let him do his thing.
107: Pidgey
Your first Pokemon might be Squirtle, Bulbasaur, or Charmander, but Pidgey is almost always the second Pokemon of choice. GG.
106: Victreebel
At the end of one of the most freakish chains of evolution waits Victreebel, a Pokemon that isn’t entirely shit, and nowhere near as freakish as its predecessors.
105 – 104: Nidoran (male and female)
They’re basically the same Pokemon, and given that I’m not trying to start some kind of hideous gender war, you can place them at 104 or 105 as you wish.
103: Muk
Muk is a larger pile of shit than Grimer, but it is actually quite a useful pile of shit.
102: Electabuzz
Electabuzz always used to remind of sugar puff cereal. I’m aware that’s probably just me that sees it, but I needed to get it off my chest.
101: Abra
Abra might be a useless little turd that teleports away from danger like a pussy, but it does evolve into some of the best Pokemon ever.
100: Farfetch’d
I know nobody uses Farfetch’d in battle so it should be further down the list, but any Pokemon that carries around a vegetable with such pride has to make the top 100.
99: Kangaskhan
A Pokemon based on a kangaroo that seems to be named after Genghis Khan for some reason? I’m sold.
98: Pinsir
Pinsir is one cool looking motherfucker. That’s all I have to say on the subject.
97: Primeape
Primeape looks like he’d knock seven shades of shit out of you if you spilled over his pint in the pub, but I guess some people want that from a Pokemon.
96 – 95: Nidorino and Nidorina
Again, not much difference between them save for a few stats, but they’re both cool guys with some funky moves.
94: Magmar
I can never decide if Magmar looks cool or really fucking weird, but I know it has its fans.
93: Poliwhirl
I don’t know where Poliwag’s nose goes when it evolves into Poliwhirl, but I think we can all agree this is a pretty cool Pokemon.
92: Venomoth
Venomoth is basically Butterfree for goths, which is kind of cool.
91: Dewgong
When Seel grows up and becomes less of a dopey looking stoner fuck, it becomes Dewgong.
90: Kingler
If Krabby went and told on you to his big brother, it’s Kingler that would come round to your house and snip your gonads off.
89: Weezing
Weezing isn’t much better than Koffing, but I’ve always loved how the two heads look so sick of each other’s shit all the time.
88: Hypno
Hypno looks like a homeless magician who went insane and painted himself yellow to try and spruce up his act.
87: Parasect
Parasect is literally a mushroom that has taken control of Paras, hence the dead eyes. The Last of Us legit copied Pokemon Red & Blue.
86: Kabutops
Kabutops has fucking scythes for hands. It may never be able to hold its children, but it’s a damn killing machine.
85: Fearow
Fearow’s name is much cooler than the actual Pokemon itself, but it’s still pretty cool.
84: Tentacruel
Gotta be Tentacruel to be Tentakind. AM I RIGHT?
83: Staryu
They could have made some crap generic Starfish Pokemon, but instead they decided to make some cool robot/fish looking hybrid. I approve.
82: Butterfree
Don’t think about the episode of the cartoon where Butterfree leaves. Just don’t. It’ll only ruin your day like it did mine.
81: Magneton
Some may bemoan the fact that Magneton is just three Magnemite stuck together. I applaud the audacity of such a move.
80: Onix
Giant rock snake might sound like slang for your wang, but an actual giant rock snake makes for a fucking sick Pokemon.
79: Arbok
Giant purple snake might sound like slang for your wang, but an actual giant purple snake makes for a fucking sick Pokemon.
78: Beedrill
Beedrill looks like a massive wasp monster, but is called Beedrill. Best not to think about and just enjoy the sweet design.
77: Chansey
Where the fuck would the Pokemon Centres of the world be without Chanseys helping out? Poor underpaid, overworked bastards. Did Game Freak look at NHS nurses when they came up with this Pokemon?
76: Rhyhorn
The Rhino is already an inherently cool animal, and Game Freak clearly acknowledged, since Rhyhorn is basically just a rhino with some bells and whistles.
75: Golbat
Golbat is almost like a nice reward for anyone who decides to put up with a Zubat’s shit for a few levels.
74: Wigglytuff
Wigglytuff gives it the biggun, even putting “tough” in its name, but it’s still just a lil cutie.
73: Graveler
Graveler rocks. I’ll see myself out now.
72: Vileplume
Gloom might be a stinky freak that nobody wants to hang out with, but this groovy flower child is where it’s really at. You dig?
71: Kadabra
Kadabra is the second step in one of the coolest evolution lines in Pokemon. It’s also the most likely to fuck you up with a spoon.
70: Dugtrio
What I love about Dugtrio is that its basically three Digletts that decided to hang together. Bros for life.
69: Paras
Paras is creepy yes, but at least it has free will, which is more than can be said for Parasect.
68: Horsea
Cute lil seahorse dude just doing its thing. Don’t fight me on this one, or I will cut you.
67: Cloyster
One the biggest mysteries of my childhood was what the thing inside Closyter’s shell looked like. Drove me fucking crazy. Then I realised it is just a black ball with eyes. Gutted.
66: Slowbro
I like to think Slowpoke was trying to get a Shelder to throw it a cheeky blowjob, but the two ended up combining to make a Slowbro.
65: Porygon
The hackerman of the Pokemon world. Legend says it’s seen all of our nudes.
64: Geodude
A floating rock with arms defies all logic, even by Pokemon standards. I love it.
63: Wartortle
Wartortle has a lot going for it, but it does ultimately look like a Squirtle that let itself go.
62: Pidgeot
Look at it go. A majestic motherfucker, is our Pidgeot.
61: Marowak
When you’re hardcore enough to use bones as deadly boomerangs, then you can step to Marowak.
60: Hitmonchan
Are Hitmonchan’s gloves part of his body? Is there a store where all the Hitmonchan go to get the gloves custom made? I just don’t know.
59: Moltres
Moltres may think it’s hot shit, but it’s actually the weakest of the legendary birds, in my humble opinion. Plus, it just kind of looks like someone set fire to a swan, which is treason in my country.
58: Venusaur
Some people probably wanna see Venusaur higher on the list. I don’t care. It’s a good dude, but not the best of the final starter forms.
57: Hitmonlee
Is Hitmonlee really better than Hitmonchan? Yes. And that’s all I have to say on the subject.
56 – 55: Nidoking and Nidoqueen
Nidoking and Nidoqueen are fucking awesome. Again, no real difference between the two apart from the fact that one has a pair of tits.
54: Pidgeotto
Having your Pidgey evolve into Pidgeotto for the first time is a memory I think every gamer remembers fondly.
53: Clefable
Clefable might look it’s just woken up from a proper weed-induced nap (just look at those eyes), but it’s rare and not to be fucked with.
52: Oddish
Why is Oddish so high up on the list? Because it’s a walking ball of joy and nothing can ever bring the grassy geezer down, that’s why.
51: Vaporeon
I do enjoy Vaporeon, but I always thought there was something kind of fishy about it.
50: Dratini
One day, this humble water sausage will become a mighty dragon. I think that’s kind of beautiful.
49: Poliwrath
How is a Pokemon with a name like Poliwrath gonna do anything other than fuck your shit up?
48: Persian
Big old kitty cat with a massive jewel in its head. Really, what isn’t to like about Persian?
47: Sandslash
Awesome name, awesome design – awesome Pokemon.
46: Gastly
If Edgar Allen Poe could have chose any Pokemon in the world to use, I think he’d be drawn to Ghastly. Tell me that isn’t fucking lit.
45: Rhydon
Nidoking lies in bed at night wishing it could be as ripped and buff as Rhydon. Fact.
44: Seadra
A lot of water Pokemon are pretty fucking lame (see Seel, Krabby, et al). Seadra does not abide by this rule.
43: Charmeleon
Charmeleon would be higher on this list, but it’s basically just a stop-gap between two awesome Pokemon. Plus it was kind of a dick in the animated series.
42: Machoke
Machoke – the wet dream of wresting fans and Pokemaniacs everywhere. I’m not really sure if that’s a good thing or not, but I dig the belt.
41: Starmie
Starmie is just fucking nice to look at, and combines the power of water with motherfucking MIND POWERS.
40: Psyduck
I would love to meet whoever pitched the idea of a “confused duck” as a Pokemon and give them a big hug.
39: Clefairy
I don’t know what the hell Clefairy is but I love it.
38: Articuno
A majestic blue bird with the power of ice and a name like some kind of delicious European cocktail. I’m all about Articuno.
37: Golem
If you talk shit about Golem, it will roll into your town and crush your dreams.
36: Ponyta
If the male Pokemon fans felt a bit weird about wanting a pony, Game Freak kindly made it a pony that was born of fire and death (but probably not death).
35: Vulpix
Vulpix is cuter than any children or younger siblings you might have. Sorry.
34: Dragonair
Most people who are grinding for a Dragonite will probably end up getting quite attached to this second stage of its evolution. Rightly so.
33: Machamp
I don’t know why Machoke grew extra arms or how his family deal with such a startling change, but I like it.
32: Rapidash
A flaming unicorn seems like something that should be on the front cover of an Iron Maiden album. Rapidash is pretty fucking metal.
31: Charmander
He’s orange, he’s hard, he’ll burn you and leave you tragically scarred – it’s CHARMANDER.
30: Meowth
Remember that episode of the show where we found out Meowth learned to talk just so he could talk to the human he was in love with? Yeah, that’s why Meowth makes the top 30.
29: Bulbasaur
We’ve all got a soft spot for Bulbasaur really, haven’t we? Look at its plucky lil face – it doesn’t know it’s almost always destined to come third.
28: Mew
Absolute cutie, is Mew. Also, it can learn any move, which is pretty baller.
27: Ditto
I’m pretty much only putting Ditto this high on the list because it spends almost all its time getting ploughed by other Pokemon, and I don’t think we’ve ever asked as gamers whether or not Ditto is okay with that.
26: Cubone
I honestly don’t know if there’s anything more metal than wearing your dead mum’s skull into battle.
25: Aerodactyl
Pokemon meets Jurassic Park, and the result is one of the coolest looking ‘mon ever.
24: Ninetales
Majestic, deadly, and in possession of nine times more tails than your average fox.
23: Zapdos
We all learned pretty quickly as kids that electric type Pokemon could fuck flying Pokemon. Enter a legendary bird MADE OF ELECTRICITY.
22: Golduck
If Psyduck can grow up and get his shit together, so can you.
21: Raichu
Personally, I think Raichu is way better than Pikachu – but I had to take lots of different things into consideration when making this list (no, really), so I have to settle for sticking it here.
20: Eevee
Eevee is absolutely the most adorable fucking Pokemon around, and can branch off into all kinds of rad evolutions. Versatile and cute. That’s what we like.
19: Jigglypuff
Jigglypuff is a marshmallow nightmare with dreams of being a star. Does it not break your heart that all it wants to do is sing for people, but its voice puts people to sleep? That’s a fucking tragedy, man.
18: Flareon
Flareon is probably the cutest of the original “Eeeveelutions”, and also one of the most useful if you decided not to go with Charmander.
17: Haunter
Back in 1996, ghost Pokemon were allowed to look like actual ghosts. None of this haunted sandcastle bullshit that we’re seeing these days.
16: Lapras
Lapras is such a cool Pokemon, man – just a happy lil sea monster going about its business.
15: Jolteon
Go, spiky electric dog/fox thing!
14: Ivysaur
Easily the coolest stage in the Bulbasaur evolution line, and guaranteed to add a splash of colour to any garden.
13: Squirtle
As far as I’m aware, Squirtle is the only Pokemon that can pull off shades. Nicely done.
12: Growlithe
Growlithe is a very good doggo. I have a lot of time for this guy.
11: Dragonite
Not getting Dragonite till level 55 makes it an incredible reward – it’s also very cute and works as a postman in the cartoon, which I love.
10: Snorlax
We’re all Snorlax, really.
9: Sycther
Sycther is an instrument of death, a fucking sick looking bug Pokemon, and is also capable of slicing carrots nice and fine.
8: Alazkazam
One of the most useful and powerful Pokemon you could get back in the day. Anyone else would look a knob waving two spoons around. Not Alakazam.
7: Blastoise
Blastoise is a giant turtle with two fuck-off giant cannons on its back. Tell me that isn’t cool and I’ll come at you with everything I got.
6: Pikachu
I’m sure some of you will have a problem with Pikachu (the actual face of Pokemon) being so high. Well, you need to grow up. There’s a reason the fucker is everywhere, and that’s because people love him.
5: Arcanine
If I could only wish one Pokemon into reality, it would absolutely be Arcananine. It’s so fluffy, and fierce, and breathes fire – my favourite of all the doggomon.
4: Gyarados
An absolute behemoth of a Pokemon that soaks up damage like a tank and dishes it back out like the fishy bitch it is. Gyarados makes us all complete.
3: Mewtwo
Mewtwo was the ultimate reward for gamers everywhere. Only after taking down the Elite Four could you track down this monster and claim him as your own after an intense battle – or you could just toss a Master Ball at his face and be done with it.
2: Gengar
I don’t think many people appreciate just how awesome Gengar is. A super powerful ghost Pokemon, with the cold blooded eyes and smile of a straight up killa.
1: Charizard
As if it was every gonna be anything else. Charizard is one slick motherfucker – an aerial, agile, fiery beast, and the best final evolution for any starter Pokemon around, to this day.
So there we have it. I’d make a joke about ranking gen two next, but this whole endeavour has left me utterly broken. I’m going now.
Ewan Moore is a journalist at UNILAD Gaming who still quite hasn’t gotten out of his mid 00’s emo phase. After graduating from the University of Portsmouth in 2015 with a BA in Journalism & Media Studies (thanks for asking), he went on to do some freelance words for various places, including Kotaku, Den of Geek, and TheSixthAxis, before landing a full time gig at UNILAD in 2016.