Please be aware that this article is definitely NSFW
We’ve had all kinds of simulator games over the years. Farming Simulator, Job Simulator, Goat Simulator, to name just a few – but never in all my years did I think we’d get a simulation game dedicated to… how do I put this delicately? Loving yourself.
Yes, there is now a game called W**king Simulator. For reasons of taste and decency, I have to star out the second and third letters in the game’s name, but rest assured it is not called Walking Simulator.
W**king Simulator is being developed by MrCiastku, and is currently only available on Steam, which should probably already tell you everything you need to know about the quality of this title. It promises “the best w**king experience known to mankind”, which is a fairly hefty claim to live up to.
In this bizarre, awful looking new title, you’ll play as a man called Winston Gay, who lives in a town called Gay Bay, implying the people behind the game are either five years old, or homophobic idiots, given only one of those two groups could possibly find that funny.
Winston, we’re told, has had his house taken away by the government for playing with himself too loudly, so the main goal of the game, according to the Steam page, is to “destroy as many things as possible before getting caught by the police and collect points by w**king to the chaos we caused.”
I honestly wish I was making this up. The game’s promotional material doesn’t actually show Winston doing the thing the game is supposed to be all about, and instead shows an FPS in which a character runs around kicking things, with the occasional suggestive sound effect (though weapons like shovels and baseball bats are set to be added later).
I assume that the game’s very title is just an attempt to try and get court controversy, and that the masturbation angle is simply a way to stand out on the steaming dung heap of half baked rubbish that is the Steam library.
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Ewan Moore is a journalist at UNILAD Gaming who still quite hasn’t gotten out of his mid 00’s emo phase. After graduating from the University of Portsmouth in 2015 with a BA in Journalism & Media Studies (thanks for asking), he went on to do some freelance words for various places, including Kotaku, Den of Geek, and TheSixthAxis, before landing a full time gig at UNILAD in 2016.