NianticBy now, you’ve no doubt noticed the Pokémon Go craze that’s sweeping the nation, reducing us all to gawping zombies endlessly staring at our phones.
To be fair, the game is great fun, transforming our slightly dull world into something a bit more magical. But you know what would make catching Pokémon even more fun?
Booze!
Yep, adding alcohol to anything instantly improves it (WARNING: This statement is not medical fact), so if we take something that’s already fun like Pokémon Go and add alcohol things can only get better.
Here’s our unofficial Pokémon Go drinking game. We apologise now for your poor liver…
Any time you spot or catch a new Pokémon – Take a shot, it can only make the game more fun…
Any time you run out of Pokéballs – Vent your frustrations at failing to catch a Rattata with a refreshing shot…
Whenever you trek to a Pokéstop and the app fails to recognise your GPS and comes back later – Take another shot; it’ll help you deal with the disappointment…
Whenever someone regales you with the time they nearly caught a wild Kabutops – We all know someone who nearly, very nearly, caught a particularly rare Pokémon. Channel your jealousy into drinking a shot; it’ll help you deal with the fact you only ever see Pidgeys…
Every time your 10k egg hatches into another pathetic Magikarp – There’s nothing more irritating than marching a whole ten kilometres just for a Poké-egg to hatch into something awful. Take two shots as a way to numb your aching feet…
When the latest tip for evolving Eevee into a specific Eeveelution turns out to be bullshit – No doubt you’ve heard all the tips and tricks for supposedly evolving Eevee into a specific ‘mon and not another Vaporeon. When you realise it’s all nonsense, take two shots…
When you realise you’ve been carrying your phone charger about with you and charging it at every opportunity, just to keep catching those sweet, sweet Pokémon – You know you’ve caught yourself doing this at least once; take two shots to deal with the shame…
When you realise you’ve begun to dream about Pokémon Go and wake up disappointed that your sweet team was nothing but dream dust – Take three shots just to get by…
Whenever that one mate (we all have one) tells you they ‘just don’t get it’ and prattles on about there being real problems out there which are more important – First, tell them that Pokémon joy is joy at it’s purest, then make them buy you a drink as penance…
Any time the game freezes just as you’re about to catch that Snorlax you’ve been tracking for the last 20 minutes and you’re just so angry you want to throw your phone away, but you’re full of dread that you won’t be able to play Pokémon anymore – Take a deep breath and have three shots…
When you’ve run out of Pokéballs and are pawning off your possessions in a desperate attempt to get one last sweet hit of Poké-action – Being the best there ever was isn’t cheap; take a shot of whatever booze is nearby…
Every time you spot someone walking by, phone in hand, glassy eyed, chasing virtual phantoms as an escape from their dull life, only to realise it’s your own reflection in the glass – Just finish your drink. Finish every drink…
More of a concept than a journalist, Tom Percival was forged in the bowels of Salford University from which he emerged grasping a Masters in journalism.
Since then his rise has been described by himself as ‘meteoric’ rising to the esteemed rank of Social Editor at UNILAD as well as working at the BBC, Manchester Evening News, and ITV.
He credits his success to three core techniques, name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake.