Microsoft/EAIn what will surely go down as one of the greatest, most inspiring movements of all time, well over one million people have now pledged their support to storm Area 51 and “see them aliens.”
The plan to descend upon the top secret Nevada base went viral last week, and it’s showing no signs of slowing down any time soon. Proof that you can get people to agree to anything if there’s the promise of a free alien at the end of it.
Jackson Barnes/FacebookWill over a million people actually show up and attempt to storm a military compound in search of aliens? No. The likelihood is that around half a dozen anime fans get driven over there by Tom Delonge in a minibus and they’re all arrested on the spot, but we’ve had some killer memes from the whole thing, at least.
Still, the whole “storm Area 51” thing got me thinking – would we actually want to free any aliens that are trapped in there? If I’d visited Earth fifty years ago and had my ship gunned down by the US military before spending the next few decades locked in a cell and getting experimented on, I’d probably be fuming.
If there are even any aliens knocking around in Area 51 (I’m not saying there are because the feds are definitely reading this), then we don’t even know what they’re like. Most of the aliens we’ve seen in pop culture aren’t exactly the types you’d want to free, after all; Daleks, Xenomorphs, Donald Trump’s hair – all terrifying.
But suppose the aliens we’ve seen in video games throughout the years were real? Which ones would be in Area 51, and which ones would you not want to rescue for fear of unleashing hell on Earth? Let’s take a look at some of the contenders, in what critics are already describing as one of the most thinly veiled excuses to get a gaming article out of the Area 51 meme yet.
Crypto (Destroy All Humans)
THQ Nordic If you and the Kyles manage to get into the holding cells at Area 51 while the Naruto Runners bravely hold the door, and you happen to see a stereotypical-alien-looking little grey man with sharp teeth and large eyes, leave him locked up. It’s more than likely Crypto from Destroy All Humans, and he’s just no good for anyone.
Crypto is a sociopath. A ruthless, aggressive monster with a singular desire to eradicate civilized society as we know it, leaving nothing but rubble and flame in his wake – kind of like Bolton supporters at an away game.
My point is, if you freed Crypto, it’d take less than an hour for the little rascal to get his hands on a UFO and lay waste to half of America. Just leave him, Kyles, he’s not worth it.
Metroids (Metroid)
NintendoAh, the Metroid scourge. The primary focus of the Metroid series, these gelatinous critters basically exist to suck the life out anything they see, to the point where Samus Aran tends to respond to finding a planet that has any trace of a Metroid on it by blowing it to smithereens.
While a Metroid’s “larva” stage is its most well-known – and still plenty of trouble – it’s far from the creature’s final form. A Metroid can grow into an Alpha Metroid, before becoming a Gamma Metroid, which then grows into a Zeta Metroid, before it transforms into a fully-grown, terrifying Omega Metroid. Each stage is, as I’m sure you can imagine, more of a pain in the arse to deal with than the last.
Yeah that’s right, I’m something of an expert on Metroid biology. Yes, I’m also desperately lonely – what’s your point? Just don’t free any Metroids you happen see in Area 51, because they’ll drink half the planet dry in the space of a weekend.
Kind of like Bolton supporters at an away game.
The Flood (Halo)
MicrosoftAnyone who’s played the original Halo will know that The Covenant are a force not to be trifled with, but they’ll also be painfully familiar that it’s The Flood, a species of highly virulent parasitic organisms that grow and thrive by taking over sentient lifeforms, that you really don’t want to cross.
The Latin for The Flood is “Inferi redivivus”, which translates as “the dead reincarnated.” Probably best to leave any of these locked up at Area 51, then.
This parasitic species has the potential to wipe out all life in the galaxy, with its only real desire being to attack, kill, and ultimately take over any and all life capable of supporting it. I remember playing through Halo as a kid who was perhaps a bit too young for Halo and being absolutely petrified by what are essentially the Halo franchises equivalent of a zombie outbreak.
Slasher (Dead Space)
EA While the Slasher from Dead Space sounds like the kind of alien who just shows up to have a piddle down the side of your house at the dead of night (like a Bolton supporter at an away game), the reality of the disfigured beast is much more horrifying.
Slashers are the most common form of Necromorph you’ll come across in Dead Space, and just like The Flood, they rely heavily on infecting corpses to actually get anything done. While one single Slasher getting out of Area 51 wouldn’t be the end of the world, they’re not exactly easy on the eye, and would cause great distress to some of the younger Naruto Runners in attendance.
A Slasher is essentially the remains of a human corpse, twisted beyond all recognition to create something truly monstrous. It uses broken and protruded shards of bone to slash at enemies, and often sports a visible rib cage, muscle, and other pieces of the human body that ought not to be on the outside. In other words; they nasty.
Typhon Mimics (Prey)
BethesdaThe Typhon Mimics are a member of the Typhon species of aliens from Prey. Mimics are essentially critters that have played way too much Call of Duty Prop Hunt, and get their kicks by transforming themselves into pretty much any inorganic object you can think of, from office chairs to laptops.
While Mimics aren’t exactly massive threats alone (there are much more formidable Typhon out there), they’re certainly irritating, agile, and more than capable of dealing damage with their nasty stingers and tendrils.
This, coupled with the fact that a Mimic could make itself look like anything, means this is one kind of critter you don’t want to let out of Area 51. Go hang with Abe and the Clangers instead.
Moon Presence (Bloodborne)
FromSoftwareLook, I’d love to tell you exactly what the Moon Presence is, but Bloodborne lore is so ridiculously impenetrable that even attempting to understand the truth behind this celestial monster would require several hours and a PHD, neither of which I actually have. Hell, I’m not even 100 percent certain it’s an alien, but neither is the rest of the internet.
Here’s what I do know: The Moon Presence comes down from the moon at the end of Bloodborne as a final challenge. It certainly doesn’t look like it’s from Earth, and it arrives from on high. It might not be an alien in the traditional sense, but if the US Government saw this thing you can bet they’d attempt to lock it up in Area 51 – not that they’d have much success mind, because The Moon Presence is basically an all-powerful God.
If you did see this Eldritch abomination locked up in Area 51, it wouldn’t matter if you freed it or not, because it’d be able to get out whenever it wanted, with or without your help. It’d likely simply be biding its time, waiting, watching, listening.
I’ll be sleeping with the light on tonight.
FromSoftwareAnyway, now you’ve ready my handy guide to the aliens who definitely probably won’t be locked up in Area 51, you can go forth with the rest of the assembled masses safe in the knowledge that when you storm the base, you won’t free the wrong aliens and inadvertently bring about Armageddon. Tidy.
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Ewan Moore is a journalist at UNILAD Gaming who still quite hasn’t gotten out of his mid 00’s emo phase. After graduating from the University of Portsmouth in 2015 with a BA in Journalism & Media Studies (thanks for asking), he went on to do some freelance words for various places, including Kotaku, Den of Geek, and TheSixthAxis, before landing a full time gig at UNILAD in 2016.