Having an itchy bumhole is rarely fun. But there are definitely better means to deal with this common discomfort than shoving a seven-inch glass bottle up your behind.
Unfortunately for one 60-year-old man from China, it would appear the soothing qualities of gentle cleansing and a good quality pair of cotton pants passed him by.
This unnamed man was left in somewhat of a predicament after managing to get a glass bottle wedged up his bumhole while having a good scratch. Now, I don’t want to cast doubt on his story, but there are certain objects in Ann Summers which would have scratched that particular itch far more effectively…
Seeking medical attention at Dongguan Hospital of Traditional Chinese and Western Medicine in South China’s Guangdong Province on November 12, the man complained of abdominal discomfort.
After examination, a bottle could be felt lodged an approximate two inches inside the opening of his anus. It was a bottle of Florida Water cologne, which at its thickest point measured a wince-worthy seven inches in length and two inches in width.
Dr Lin Jun, the facility’s head gastroenterologist, told local media:
The patient told me: ‘My abdomen hurts. There’s something inside. I can’t poo or fart.’ The entire glass bottle was inside his rectum. I could feel the bottle under his abdomen.
He said his anus was itching. He said: ‘I was very uncomfortable, so I bought a bottle of Florida Water and began scratching the itch. Then the bottle accidentally went up my rectum’.
Surgery was arranged, and the supernaturally slippery bottle was successfully removed from the patient’s innards. Thankfully, the man is not expected to suffer any long-term effects as a result of his misadventure.
Dr Lin has now cautioned others against itching their rump in this eyewatering manner:
It’s better to seek medical attention and let a doctor help you than attempt to resolve similar conditions by buying tools and such things.
Bizarrely, this isn’t the first time medics at a Chinese hospital have had to pluck a glass bottle from a patient’s posterior this year.
Back in August this year, staff at Zhumadian Traditional Chinese Medicine Hospital treated a man with a ‘Liu Shen’ cologne bottle thrust up his backside. The procedure involved tying a wire around the centre of the bottle, before yanking it out. Fortunately, the patient was anaesthetised at the time.
Somebody should surely buy the bloke a cold bottle of beer after such an unenviable ordeal. Actually, on second thoughts…
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Jules studied English Literature with Creative Writing at Lancaster University before earning her masters in International Relations at Leiden University in The Netherlands (Hoi!). She then trained as a journalist through News Associates in Manchester. Jules has previously worked as a mental health blogger, copywriter and freelancer for various publications.