@dick_run_claire/InstagramGive someone a fish and they’ll feed themselves for a day, give someone a fishing rod and they’ll probably draw you a cock and balls in the sand.
Without taking myself out of the running for Most Conscientious High-Brow Viral News Writer of the Year 2019, let me just preface this article with an honest truth: you can’t beat a drawing of a cock and balls. Toilet cubicle wall: cock and balls. Dusty vehicle: cock and balls. Turns out you can do it with running apps. My year is complete. You can stuff your fictional writing awards.
Much like penicillin, chewing gum, and my own conception, the story of the woman who runs in the shapes of dicks came about her discovery by happy accident.
Claire, 33, from New Jersey, had been visiting her brother in Kansas City for Thanksgiving in 2015, when she went for a run and got lost.
Tracking her way back to her brother’s place in a roundabout route, when she looked back at her GPS tracker, she realised the path she’d taken resembled the outline of a cock and balls, VICE reports.
Looks just like mine with the grip marks:
@dick_run_claire/InstagramClaire told VICE:
I love looking for dick run routes. I feel like I should be on My Strange Addiction now that I’ve heard how that sounds…
But honestly, I just love running: It’s my favourite way to get a workout in—and drawing a giant dick across a town is really just a bonus.
Has Claire just unlocked the key to make the most lethargic and dirty minded people put on a pair of pumps and paint the streets with peens? One can only hope.
In the three years since Claire’s been running dicks she’s really mastered the art, drawing long thin ones, choads, cocks in hands, and one of duelling cocks.
Claire explained how she achieves such results:
I always plan out the dick runs and follow the route I’ve saved on my phone. It’s actually kind of tough—especially the more detailed routes, like the ones with hands—and the worst is when I get caught up in a run, miss a turn, and ruin the drawing.
Then I have to go back and do it again later.
The answer to the question on everybody’s lips: Claire’s racked up a 14 mile cock.
She’s now aiming to draw one in each of the 50 US states.
You keep doing you, Claire.
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Tim Horner is a sub-editor at UNILAD. He graduated with a BA Journalism from University College Falmouth before most his colleagues were born. A previous editor of adult mags, he now enjoys bringing the tone down in the viral news sector.