Guy Decodes Nail Art To ‘Save’ People From Dating ‘Crazy Girls’

@rockkkkkky/Instagram/Twitter

Finally, someone has created the dating guide that literally no one was asking for – a super cool bro has reduced women down to just a few different personality types based on how their fingernails look!

Marwan ‘Rocky’ Alteir, a 26-year-old from Huntington Beach, California, shared his handiwork on Instagram. It’s a dating guide called ‘Nails at First Sight’, and claims to tell people what they can expect from a woman depending on what her nails are like.

I know right, after all these years of struggle, if only the patriarchy would’ve looked at women’s fingernails things would be so much easier! Although why anyone should pay such attention to a small cosmetic detail on someone’s body is beyond me…

Luckily, that’s where Alteir’s guide comes in, as he’s devised a booklet explaining the different personality types of women (enough to fill six pages! wow!) which can be inferred from nothing but their fingernails.

In his research, Alteir claims there are ‘safe’ colours and shapes for nails – nude tones, clipped length, in case you were wondering – and varying degrees of nails down to the more extravagant ones – extra long, red or orange colours – that are ‘dangerous’.

Presenting his work on social media to all his bros out there (with his tongue firmly in his cheek, I hope, though maybe I’m being optimistic), Rocky says:

I had so many bros always asking me, ‘Rocky, how do you know the signs? How did you know she was gonna break my heart, how did you know that she was going to rob me of my dignity – how do you know every single time?’

After countless hours of research, and asking bros around the world, I’ve come up with a foolproof survival guide – Nails at First Sight – so my bros don’t get hurt again.

According to Rocky, it all comes down to three things (regarding nails, anyway) – colour, shape and length.

Rocky told BuzzFeed his research included talking to 20 male friends and 10 male strangers, because – I’m guessing – research about women doesn’t need to involve women?

You can watch him explain his ‘book’ here:

Speaking for women everywhere, without any legitimacy, one person replied:

As a girl I can confirm this to be accurate

Another said:

i have never felt so attacked, yet also understood, in my life

While speaking for all men everywhere, one guy replied:

Yo this shit absolute gold thank you bromeo

Happily, however, the thread of replies to Rocky’s tweet is mostly people sharing their own nails and complimenting each other, so it’s not all bad.

Who knows, maybe Marwan ‘Rocky’ Alteir is just joking with us, and he knows people can’t be summed up by their nail art and this was all an elaborate hoax. If so, shout out to my bro! Nailed it.

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Charlie Cocksedge

Charlie Cocksedge is a journalist and sub-editor at UNILAD. He graduated from the University of Manchester with an MA in Creative Writing, where he learnt how to write in the third person, before getting his NCTJ. His work has also appeared in such places as The Guardian, PN Review and the bin.