‘On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me… three lines of charlie.’
The festive season is a busy time for Santa Claus. The whole world, one night, a f*ck-load of presents – how does he keep the energy up?
Well, if Walmart’s adult-themed yuletide jumpers are anything to go by, it isn’t thanks to milk and cookies. No no, Santa favours ‘quality, grade A, Colombian snow’.
Walmart Canada has now issued an apology after some controversial (and hilarious) sweaters were listed for sale on their website.
A Walmart spokesperson told Global News:
These sweaters, sold by a third-party seller on Walmart.ca, do not represent Walmart’s values and have no place on our website. We have removed these products from our marketplace. We apologize for any unintended offence this may have caused.
Of all the jumpers, the highlight is one featuring a wide-eyed Father Christmas, sitting in front of three lines of a white substance – I’m guessing it’s not sugar.
Created by clothing company FUN Wear, and called the ‘Let It Snow Ugly Christmas Sweater’, it had Twitter users in stitches.
The product description, now taken down from the website, read:
We all know how snow works. It’s white, powdery and the best snow comes straight from South America. That’s bad news for jolly old St. Nick, who lives far away in the North Pole. That’s why Santa really likes to savor the moment when he gets his hands on some quality, grade A, Colombian snow.
He packs it in perfect lines on his coffee table and then takes a big whiff to smell the high quality aroma of the snow. It’s exactly what he needs to get inspired for Christmas Eve.
While some weren’t exactly pleased about this narcotics-loving Santa, others loved it. One Twitter user wrote: ‘This is the best ugly Christmas sweater copy ever written.’
There were other jumpers too: one featured St. Nick ‘roasting his chesnuts on an open fire’, another saw Santa lying on a table with his pants down as an alien prepares to probe him.
The product description for the latter read:
Well, let’s just say if you’re going to zip around the world using flying reindeer to deliver gifts to millions of homes in a single night, you probably should expect some inquisitive aliens to eventually wonder how you can do it.
We all love a bit of fun around Christmas, but you need to draw the line somewhere.
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After graduating from Glasgow Caledonian University with an NCTJ and BCTJ-accredited Multimedia Journalism degree, Cameron ventured into the world of print journalism at The National, while also working as a freelance film journalist on the side, becoming an accredited Rotten Tomatoes critic in the process. He’s now left his Scottish homelands and took up residence at UNILAD as a journalist.