Colombia PicturesDarkness falls across the land and the foulest stench is in the air because here comes a tale of things which go bonk in the night.
Or at least that’s what one woman on Mumsnet thinks after finding a wet patch on her hallway floor. While some people would be happy to blame Europe or immigrants for some minor inconvenience, a ‘spunking ghost’ has been named the culprit in this case.
Forgive me, I’ve shot my load too quickly, when you get a story labelled ‘masturbating ghost’, sometimes you just blurt it out without putting in the necessary ground work. It doesn’t happen often. Honest.
Warner Bros.Forum user, Chipshopninja set the tone by writing on Mumsnet:
Last night DP woke up around 1am because he heard our bedroom door open (it’s a squeaky bugger, need some WD40 but that’s by the by)
He didn’t get up, expecting our nocturnal ds to tap him on the shoulder announcing he had had a bad dream etc….but nothing! He then heard the bedroom door close.
At this point, considering the nature of the story, it should be pointed out ‘DP’ refers to ‘darling partner’ and ds to their darling son.
She goes on to explain he got up to go and check on their lad – so far so normal.
GettyBut then:
Just outside our bedroom door he stepped in a large wet patch (which, in a very un-DP fashion he later cleaned up) he checked on our DS, fast asleep all tucked in under his duvet. [sic]
He then went downstairs to check on the dog, fast asleep in the living room. So slightly bemused he came back to bed.
When DP explained this to the bemused mum in the morning, she came to the conclusion: ‘I say spunking ghost’.
What an absolute mystery. I’ve found wet patches outside my room before. It’s the cat. She loves peeing on carpets. But maybe it’s someone or something else?
Other users on the forum are split in opinion. Have you ever seen comments come to a consensus? The internet was invented so we could argue about everything with anyone after all.
One wrote: ‘Maybe DS was sleep walking and decided to p*ss outside your bedroom door?’
While another suggestively added: ‘jealous! I want a spunking ghost too (and a DP who cleans up after it!)’ [sic]
A third added a grim suggestion which would probably get to the bottom of the matter:
Have you smelt the wet patch to check whether it’s urine or something else? Possible it was DS and he climbed back into bed afterwards?
Get down on your knees and put your face in that ghostly puddle. Blimey, if I said something like that to a colleague I’d have a meeting with HR on my hands!
You’ve got to wonder whether Chipshopninja has been watching too much This Morning.
Spiritual guidance counsellor, Amethyst Realm, appeared on the show last week explaining her plans to marry and start a family with her boyfriend, who she met in Australia, who’s a ghost.
Each to their own, I guess. If you want to think you’ve got ghosts in your house ejaculating all over the carpet who am I to say you don’t?
Just don’t step in any wet patches at my place. Definitely not ghosts there.
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Tim Horner is a sub-editor at UNILAD. He graduated with a BA Journalism from University College Falmouth before most his colleagues were born. A previous editor of adult mags, he now enjoys bringing the tone down in the viral news sector.