People Abandon Celebrations’ Advent Calendar After ‘Least Favourite’ Choc Behind Door 3

Mars

People are ‘done with it’ as #adventcalendargate charges into day three with more momentum than Santa shooting across the sky in his sleigh.

If you’ve not been paying attention to this festive season’s latest trend in consumer entitlement, people have been taking to Twitter to share their outrage at finding chocolates in the Celebrations advent calendar.

Saturday saw the dreaded Bounty behind day one’s door and then blowing some minds yesterday, Snickers were found hiding waiting on day two. It turns out today’s treat is some people’s ‘least favourite’. Can’t win, can you.

If I’ve got 21 more days of writing about this I’m going to lose my rag. That or become UNILAD’s Advent Calendar Correspondent. Actually that’s not a bad shout. Let’s do that. Keep losing your cool guys. This definitely has three more weeks in the tank.

Of course, you should be careful about losing your patience when treats are involved. It was 1994, the year in which half the people I work with were born. I was 10-years-old and on holiday in Corfu with my family. There were bars that would show films that hadn’t been released yet on big screens. I really wanted to see the new Street Fighter movie because the most important thing in the entire world in 1994 was Street Fighter.

So we were out on a road trip and my brother was driving me insane. You know that way elder siblings do. The occasional punch. Precision attacks on psychological buttons, pressed in the right way. All out of the line of your parents’ sight. We were on a beach and then BOOM! My patience snapped. I can’t remember if I broke one of my brother’s belongings or did a big scream, but I lost my sh*t. Big time.

‘That’s it! We’ve told you a hundred times before. If you can’t play nice you’re not going to watch your Nintendo film. We’re going back to the chalet!’ my mum barked. My heart broke. Sod going to the beach or playing in the swimming pool, all I wanted to do that holiday was watch my favourite characters fight it out while I slurped down a milkshake and then go back to school and brag about how good it was to my friends. My world was robbed.

Anyway, my point being, if you keep moaning about stuff eventually it will be taken away from you. Because at this rate of outrage online I’m going to come round to all you people complaining about chocolates in your chocolate advent calendar and take them off you.

Is this what parenting feels like? Okay maybe I’ll just die alone with a pot plant. I couldn’t put up with this nonsense for two decades.

Ah yeah, the nonsense. Some people found day three’s chocolate to be a Mars bar. Pretty standard chocolate to find in a Celebrations selection if you ask me. But then I’m not easily offended by Mars bars. Or Bountys or Snickers come to think of it.

I’d be more offended if I opened my calendar to find some Novichok or a dead vole with my initials tattooed onto its skin. That’s how you ruin Christmas.

You might want to stay away from these people if their Christmases are so easily ruined:

Wait, no. Keep complaining. I really want that Advent Calendar Correspondent gig. Can you at least decide which is your least favourite so I can start writing tomorrow’s story.

If you have a story you want to tell send it to UNILAD via [email protected].

Tim Horner

Tim Horner is a sub-editor at UNILAD. He graduated with a BA Journalism from University College Falmouth before most his colleagues were born. A previous editor of adult mags, he now enjoys bringing the tone down in the viral news sector.