People Want To Drink Red Liquid Found In 2,000-Year-Old Sarcophogus

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On Thursday, (July 19) archaeologists risked unleashing the seven plagues of Egypt upon our world when they cracked open a 2000-year-old, sinister, black, sarcophagus, found buried under the sands of Alexandria.

Speculation was rife as to what was inside the alabaster coffin, with people guessing everything from the remains of Alexander the Great, to a deadly magical curse.

Thankfully, when archaeologists lifted the sinister sarcophagus’ lid, what they found was far more mundane than the decaying skeleton of a golden god or an evil enchantment.

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Inside there were three skeletons, who, due to their wounds, are believed to have been military officials, floating in a red liquid officials have described as sewage.

Of course, because it’s 2018  and self-control is an impulse from a more civilised age, people took one look at the literal red water and thought: ‘Gosh! I’d like to drink that’.

Perhaps we spoke too soon when we said disturbing the warrior’s resting place hadn’t unleashed a curse on the land, because it seems rampant stupidity’s on the rise.

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Just one day after the coffin was opened, those desperate to taste the red swill of poop, pee, and god knows what else, set up a Change.org petition titled: ‘let people drink the red liquid from the dark sarcophagus’.

According to their petition, those who want to drink the unholy mixture of human excrement and corpse juice believe drinking the red liquid will allow whoever drinks it, to ‘assume its powers and finally die’.

They wrote:

We need to drink the red liquid from the cursed dark sarcophagus in the form of some sort of carbonated energy drink so we can assume its powers and finally die.

At the time of writing, 5,186 sewage starved people have signed the petition.

The petition’s creator, innes mc, revealed in an insightful and well thought out comment, why he wanted to drink the red liquid – and I think we’ll all agree he’s got a point.

He wrote:

Please stop trying to tell me the skeleton juice is mostly sewage thats (sic) impossible everyone knows skeletons cannot poop.

Truly one of the great thinkers of the twentieth century.

For the record, experts don’t think the skeletons had a few accidents over the two millennia they’ve been waiting in that black box.

The sarcophagus has a crack on its right side, which allowed the sewage to leak in over the years and caused the mummies inside to decompose.

And before you start badgering me on Twitter or emailing my boss saying ‘this is obviously a joke, they don’t want to drink poisonous water’, people drink Sambuca all the time and that’s about ten times grosser than sewage.

For the record – and I can’t believe I have to write it – drinking sewage is exceptionally bad for your health.

According to the Environment Protection Agency in the US, an average of seven million people a year suffer from illnesses caused by exposure to sewage, and of those seven million, seven per cent become severely or fatally ill.

Raw sewage contains several viruses that can cause gastroenteritis (stomach flu), potentially lethal bacteria called Campylobacter – which can cause bloody diarrhoea, abdominal pain, nausea and death.

Yeah, don’t go messing about with sewage, even if it looks delicious.

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Tom Percival

More of a concept than a journalist, Tom Percival was forged in the bowels of Salford University from which he emerged grasping a Masters in journalism.

Since then his rise has been described by himself as ‘meteoric’ rising to the esteemed rank of Social Editor at UNILAD as well as working at the BBC, Manchester Evening News, and ITV.

He credits his success to three core techniques, name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake.