Ten Spiders Coming To Live With You This Autumn

One of the many spiders coming to kill you right now - Getty

Spiders. Spiders everywhere.

Although spiders are traditionally found in the bath, these days the little critters get absolutely everywhere, even your bed (it is spider mating season after all).

And if you hate spiders, then their mating season is bad news for you.

They will currently be looking for a warm, dry place to get down to business – your bed, your sofa, ON YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW THIS VERY SECOND.

Everywhere, basically. No where and no one is safe.

To put your mind at ease, here’s a list of the ten most common spiders to be found IN YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW.

Cupboard Spiders:

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These little guys are often confused for black widows, due to their similar look. Makes sense.

Their appearance can vary from purple to brown to black and they grow to about 10mm in length. They do bite humans, but the symptoms are fairly mild, and include blistering and feeling a bit unwell.

So next time you think you’ve seen a black widow, it’s probably just one of these guys. Or maybe not. It might be a black widow. Just start running to be on the safe side, I’ll let you know when to stop.

Tube Web Spider:

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These horrible little bastards are new in town, and are found in the cracks of buildings weaving tube-like webs to catch their dinner, hence the name.

Originally from the Mediterranean they can now be found on the south coast, and their bite has been compared to a deep injection at the doctors. It lasts for a few hours but no one has ever suffered long-term problems. Yet…

Money Spider:

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Britain’s smallest spider, they only grown to about 5mm long.

The name comes from the old superstition that if you get one stuck in your hair you are very lucky and you’re going to be rich. In reality, you’ve just got a tiny spider in your hair.

But be careful: THEY PARALYSE THEIR PREY WITH THEIR FANGS AND WRAP THEM UP IN SILK AND EAT THEM. Their fangs are too small to penetrate human skin, though.

Cardinal Spider:

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These HUGE HAIRY BEASTS are the largest spiders in the UK, coming in at a TERRIFYING 14cm in length.

They are BIG, FAST, SCARY, and like to CREEP about at NIGHT.

They’re also absolutely harmless to humans.

False Widow Spider:

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The most venomous of all UK spiders, the false widow has had a bad press recently. Probably because of all the incidents of them hospitalising people.

However, there have been no reported deaths in the UK as a result of false widow bites, and they are not usually aggressive to humans.

Zebra Jumping Spider:

One of the many spiders coming to kill you right now - Getty

These weird little critters are TERRIFYING up close, but luckily they only grow to 8mm long and prefer to live outside. They are also more likely to run away from humans than attack. Oh…

Lace Web Spider:

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These guys are usually found outdoors but will come inside in autumn to find a mate and get down to business IN YOUR BED. Or somewhere else. Probably somewhere else.

But if they are IN YOUR BED and they bite you, you’ll feel it. Their bites are painful and can leave you swollen for up to 12 hours. That’s pretty nasty. Unless you’re reading this in Australia, in which case you’re probably laughing at us.

Daddy Long Legs:

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Everyone knows these little guys. Adorable, aren’t they?

Except they can GROW UP TO 45MM, and urban legend says they have the most POTENT VENOM IN THE WORLD but their FANGS aren’t sharp enough to penetrate human skin.

Research has suggested that they can actually bite, but luckily it would only deliver a mild burning sensation for a few seconds. Still. FANGS though.

Giant House Spiders:

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GIANT house spiders. These guys are fucking GIANTS. Sell your fucking house, run for the hills. Or don’t, because they are probably there as well. Waiting.

These guys love to chill in the bath, as well as have sex all over your house. If some random human did that you’d be well pissed off with them, but these guys are doing it constantly and you don’t even know about. Cheeky little bastards.

They can grow up to 120mm and their bites are POTENT. Fortunately, they don’t pose a threat to humans. Or so they want you to think…

Missing Sector Orb Web Spider:

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these little guys are only 15mm long and are relatively common.

They pose zero threats to humans, and have a distinctive pale body and legs, with silver-grey markings on the abdomen.

They’re often seen indoors, and are most commonly found in the midlands, for some reason.

So there you go, I hope that’s put your mind at RUN, RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS AND DON’T STOP RUNNING, THERE ARE SPIDERS EVERYWHERE. Fuck.

UNILAD