Paramount PicturesChristmas is a time for joyous song and merriment, according to everyone ever.
But if you’re a little too sluggish after the turkey and too sloshed after the Bucks Fizz to cope with festive DJ responsibilities, fear not. UNILAD has got your back.
So, tell your dad to give the choir songs a rest and stick this playlist on YouTube. There’s something for everyone.
Beginning with the obvious, no Christmas is complete without The Pogues.
Whether you’re drinking in the pub at 2am on Christmas morning or channeling your family neuroses through song, Fairytale Of New York will never, ever let you down.
Somebody told me that you had a boyfriend who loved The Killers and dredged up this oddly fantastic Christmas offering every year… Until you dumped him for a bloke who listens to Chris Rea.
This number plays brilliantly on our childlike desperation to please Santa. It’s like the Black Mirror of festive tracks.
While this song might be damned to the metaphorical bargain bin of HMV’s ‘Overplayed and Quite Possibly Overrated’ section, it is undeniably a Christmas classic.
It helps that the video features Santa, Rudolph and Mariah; a triple-threat that constitutes the ultimate Christmas trifecta.
With the most recognisable and quotable two-word-opener in song-writing history, this Slade number earned its place on this list within the first second of its raucous 3 minutes and 15 seconds.
It stayed at number 1 in the charts for five weeks in 1973, when it was released and you just can’t argue with those stats.
Who better than to help you switch off for the holidays than crooner, Nat King Cole? The man was born to sing the world into a state of peace and love to all mankind.
With that in mind, I’ll leave you with a little lyric straight from the horse’s mouth: ‘Although it’s been said many times, many ways, Merry Christmas to you’.
Everybody loves Little Michael and his festive footwork.
But if you don’t, you better watch out and you’d better not pout because Santa is coming to town and he hates a party pooper.
Lowering the energy a notch is a good idea when you’re as stuffed as the turkey you’ve just inhaled.
In an unusually low-key musical offering from Wham!, Last Christmas is the time to sit and relax and be glad you’re not stuck in a log cabin in the arse end of nowhere with a girl (or guy) who has broken your heart.
Continuing on the mellow theme are She & Him. In case you haven’t heard of them, the silky smooth vocals are provided by actress, Zooey Deschanel. This song comes accompanied by pugs in Santa hats.
But if that’s not enough to persuade you, Zooey even played Will Ferrell’s love interest in Elf; she basically saved Christmas and we all need a little of her magical melodies in our lives over the holidays.
For those of us celebrating Christmas in warmer climes, here is Bing Crosby paying homage to an Hawaiian Christmas greeting: Mele Kalikimaka, which means ‘Merry Christmas’ on the island.
The phrase is taken directly from its English translation but Hawaii’s phonological system does not include the letters ‘R’ or ‘S’.
After all this goodwill and good behaviour for Santa, most of us need some time to let our hair down at Christmas and no one can better facilitate than Destiny’s Child?
This noughties throwback features on the three-piece girl band’s penultimate studio album, which was bursting full of Christmas tracks, so prepare for the nostalgic waves of the holidays to flood your senses.
We should probably pay homage to the reason we’re all here and chose a song that actually celebrates Jesus’ birthday.
But, as Christmas Midnight Mass always starts to feel like a bad idea as your eyes droop come 12.30am, I look to Boney M to deliver the narrative through the medium of music instead.
We all know the feeling; the ominous NYE festivities approaching, the societal demand that we stop eating at 30 minute intervals and remove ourselves from our pyjamas encroaching.
Its the universal dread that is perfectly surmised by Wizzard. The sentiment screeched throughout their number one song totally nails it: ‘I wish it could be Christmas everyday’.
So, enjoy it while you can, folks, Christmas is actually just for Christmas.
A former emo kid who talks too much about 8Chan meme culture, the Kardashian Klan, and how her smartphone is probably killing her. Francesca is a Cardiff University Journalism Masters grad who has done words for BBC, ELLE, The Debrief, DAZED, an art magazine you’ve never heard of and a feminist zine which never went to print.