Batten down the hatches and stock up the dry stores, people. The zombie apocalypse has begun. Apparently.
Ready yourselves for scenes straight out of Zombieland, and just pray you get Woody Harrelson on side, because the zombie apocalypse is here.
Even worse, according to Zombie Research Expert – yes, in 2016, that is an official job title – Matt Mogk, Britain is the worst place you can be when the zombies rise up in a fit of cannibalistic crankiness (largely caused by the terrible cricks in their undead necks after spending centuries locked in a coffin).
According to Matt, the self-confessed zombie movie fanatic who may or may not be getting his fact and fiction mixed up, undead outbreaks have already been recorded in Earth’s history.
He points to the collapse of the 10th century Mayan civilisation and the case of the Roanoke community in North Carolina, US.
In both cases, reports described horrific evidence of cannibalism and mutilated human remains.
Matt even claims there’s been a zombie-like outbreak in England, saying:
In York, England, several years ago there was discovered a mass grave of people who had been beheaded and violently killed.
Researchers first thought it was a gladiator burial site but there is no history of any gladiator events in York.
If this alleged zombie apocalypse is to make a more convincing return to Blighty, how prepared are we really?
UK Preppers Guide’s Steve Hart thinks we’re woefully ill-equipped.
He said:
As far as I’m aware, the UK government itself has no plans for any type of outbreak, though I personally feel their response would be something very similar to when we had what was known as ‘mad cow disease’ quite a few years back.
They would be pretty quick to bring in the police and armed forces to control it at first, but if you had a pandemic style of attack where you have up to 30% of the population infected, then without a doubt borders would be closed and quarantines would be enacted.
And then it would be full on major panic for everybody.
I’m told ‘full on major panic attack’ is the official term.
As someone who has a foolproof zombie apocalypse escape plan my reaction to the latest hearsay from the zombie believers contingent was the same as always: a perfect 50/50 split between smug readiness and sheer panic.
To the Winchester?
A former emo kid who talks too much about 8Chan meme culture, the Kardashian Klan, and how her smartphone is probably killing her. Francesca is a Cardiff University Journalism Masters grad who has done words for BBC, ELLE, The Debrief, DAZED, an art magazine you’ve never heard of and a feminist zine which never went to print.