Some gifts just keep on giving. Like house plants, socks or a really well connected high-five, there are presents which you know will go down so well they’ll remain with the receiver long after the exchange.
After archeologists found a 2,000-year-old, six foot sarcophagus in Alexandria recently, the big black box quickly fuelled rumours from wannabe Indiana Joneses wondering what was inside.
From mummified kings and pharaohs to piles of gold or ancient curses, the speculation surrounding what was inside the box was considerable.
While scientists (and those not wishing to unleash Imhotep upon the world) hoped to study the sarcophagus via x-rays and CT scans, so as to preserve its contents and not have to open it, it seems curiosity got the better of everyone and the decision was made to open it up.
The 30-tonne box was speculated to hold the remains of Alexander the Great after it was found with a large alabaster head next to it. However, what was found was actually three decomposed mummies and a load of filthy ‘juice’.
And while you might think most people would ask questions about the mummies themselves – how were they preserved, who were they, were they buried with any treasures – others were far more intrigued by the weird red liquid that the mummies were submerged in.
In fact, some people were so intrigued with the liquid they thought it’d be a good idea to drink it. I know fine wine gets better with age, but 2,000 years trapped in a big black box with three dead bodies? Yummers.
You see, as if with most things pertaining to the ancient Egyptians, people believe they knew things we don’t, and believe the liquid may be the elixir of life, containing mysterious nutrients and supernatural or medicinal properties.
Incredibly, a petition was even started to ‘let people drink the red liquid from the dark sarcophagus’, which – astonishingly – has been signed by over 21,000 people.
According to the petition, those who want to drink the mysterious corpse juice believe drinking it will allow them to ‘assume its powers and finally die’.
They wrote:
we need to drink the red liquid from the cursed dark sarcophagus in the form of some sort of carbonated energy drink so we can assume its powers and finally die
Unfortunately, this isn’t an Indiana Jones film, the Holy Grail wasn’t inside the sarcophagus and the properties of the liquid will not grant you magic powers.
What the liquid will grant you with is a serious case of gastroenteritis, or something worse.
Yep, those good old scientists have gone and spoiled it for everyone by revealing that the ancient liquid is actually just sh*tty sewage water. Soz.
The sarcophagus unfortunately wasn’t as in tact as they hoped, and actually had a crack on its right side, which allowed the sewage water to leak in over the years and cause the mummies inside to decompose.
And, as we all should know, 2,000-year-old sewage water should never be consumed. Also, fresh sewage water shouldn’t be consumed, either. Just don’t drink any sewage water, ok?
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Charlie Cocksedge is a journalist and sub-editor at UNILAD. He graduated from the University of Manchester with an MA in Creative Writing, where he learnt how to write in the third person, before getting his NCTJ. His work has also appeared in such places as The Guardian, PN Review and the bin.