Seeing as it’s Easter Sunday and we’re all tucking into our chocolate eggs, we got thinking of some of football’s finest players who were somewhat folically challenged.
There’s been plenty of players over the years who dreamed of having a perm, but perhaps it’s a blessing that only a limited number were able to grow a ‘man bun’.
Every Saturday, those without hair would take to the field with the added advantage of being able to use their bonce like a magnifying glass, blinding their opponents as they went.
There were some decent players, too, so we’ve made a team out of entirely bald bastards, and it’s not bad.
Naturally, the referee for any game this lot took part in would be Pierluigi Collina, and they’d play and the Baldabeu.
Note: We know nearly all of these players had hair at one stage or another, but they’re bald enough for us:
Goalkeeper: Fabien Barthez
Former France and Manchester United goalkeeper Barthez is a good choice between the sticks for us, as he was a pretty good keeper in his time.
He was genuinely mental, too, giving everyone that feeling of ‘what’s this mad bastard gonna do next?’ which is always good to see.
The World Cup winner did have hair earlier in his career, but a quick google search will confirm that the bald look was a much better option for the Frenchman.
Right Back: Danny Mills
Danny Mills took no shit while on the pitch, and had a haircut that said as much.
The former Manchester City man looked like a hard man on the turf, and backed it up on it.
Perhaps unfortunate that he was trying to get into the same England team as Gary Neville for the majority of his career, Mills was a classic English defender.
He won the League Cup with Middlesbrough in 2004, and went to the World Cup two years earlier, wowing the world with his cueball-like bonce along the way.
Now a half decent TV pundit, Mills doesn’t pull any punches with his analysis, just like on the pitch with his tackles.
Centre Back: Frank Leboeuf
Forming one half of a centre-back pairing that would scare the shit out of even Diego Costa, super suave Frenchman Leboeuf.
The 48-year-old is a legend in France, and is actually their version of a knight – as well as being one of Chelsea’s best ever defenders.
Leboeuf played over 200 games for Chelsea and won 50 caps for France, as well as being part of Les Blues’ World Cup and European Championship winning sides in 1998 and 2000.
Now retired, Leboeuf is a respected actor and has appeared in the 2014 film The Theory of Everything, as well as commentating on football for French TV.
Centre Back: Jaap Stam
The second half of our hard bastards at the back, Man United legend Jaap Stam.
The giant Dutchman was an intimidating presence at the back, and his hairless nut made him look the part, too.
He’s another one who looked bloody weird with hair, and suited the ‘streamlined’ look much more.
Stam won four league titles in his career, as well as the Champions League as part of Man United’s legendary 1999 treble winning side.
Now retired, Stam is assistant boss at Ajax and has talked about his desire to manage United one day – which would automatically make him the most intimidating boss in Premier League history.
Left Back: Roberto Carlos
Seeing as we have three hard men at the back, Roberto Carlos would bring some skill to our back four.
The Brazilian legend could handle himself though, but is best remembered for his ferocious shot power and incredible stamina.
Carlos was part of one of the best national teams in history, winning the 2002 World Cup with Brazil, as well as finishing runner-up in the Ballon d’Or ceremony the same year.
Now player-manager at Indian side Delhi Dynamos, Carlos is hoping to launch a managerial career in future.
Right Midfield: Zinedine Zidane
Not only did he have a bald head, he knew how to use it – just ask Marco Materazzi.
It’s sad that one of the best players the world has ever seen is perhaps best remembered for nutting an Italian, but Zidane had more talent than most who went before him.
Now manager at Real Madrid, the Frenchman won everything during his playing days, and also netted one of the best volleys ever seen against Bayer Leverkusen in the 2002 Champions League final.
Perhaps out of position on our right wing, Zidane would hardly hinder our lot’s chances of wiping anyone they played against.
Centre Midfield: Jonjo Shelvey
The first – and only, in fact – of our team to still be playing, Shelvey is a genuine baldy.
He has alopecia – meaning it’s virtually impossible to grow any hair – but that hasn’t affected his ability to make it to the top of his game.
Shelvey has represented England at every age group from under 16’s to senior level, and is hoping to be included in Roy Hodgson’s Euro 2016 party.
He’s certainly good enough to, with his range of passing cementing him as one of England’s top playmakers.
Centre Midfield: Thomas Gravesen
Another hard nut to further strengthen our spine, former Denmark international Thomas Gravesen.
Gravesen had a pretty decent playing career, moving to Real Madrid from Everton in 2005 before leaving after ‘not fitting in’ with Madrid’s style.
That’s maybe because he smashed Robinho in training, leading to him being gradually frozen out and sold to Celtic.
Since retiring, Gravesen has looked after himself brilliantly, making a number of brilliant financial investments and he’s now worth over £80m and has announced his second ‘retirement’.
He’s living in Las Vegas with his girlfriend Kamila Persse (google her), and it’s hard to know whether the 40-year-old had a better playing career or retirement.
Left Midfield: Temuri Ketsbaia
OK, so it seems most baldies are crazy, and Ketsbaia is no exception.
The Georgian midfielder is best remembered for his mental celebration after scoring for Newcastle United against Bolton back in 1998 – one where even his own team mates struggled to contain him.
Ketsbaia had plenty of ability though, and is one of the select few Georgian footballers that people actually remember.
Now manager of Cypriot side APOEL Nicosia, the 48-year-old has made no secret of his desire to manage Newcastle in the future, and told club officials he wanted the job after Alan Pardew left for Crystal Palace in 2015.
Unfortunately, Mike Ashley decided against him taking over and therefore denied the world one of the most entertaining characters in football.
Centre Forward: Gianluca Vialli
One of Italy’s finest ever strikers, Vialli gets the nod in our team.
The former Chelsea man enjoyed a stellar career, in which he won the FA Cup as both player and manager for the Blues.
He made 59 appearances for Italy, before moving into management with Chelsea and then Watford.
Since being sacked by the Hornets in 2002 though, Vialli hasn’t had a managerial job despite being linked with a few – most notably QPR.
Instead, he’s our favourite bald Italian pundit – and an excellent pick in this side.
Centre Forward: Thierry Henry
OK, Henry’s kind of bald – but we couldn’t leave him out.
The Frenchman is one of the – if not the – best strikers in Premier League history, and is only second to Alan Shearer in the all-time scoring records.
He’d bring a more calming influence to this team, as he didn’t make his reputation as a spiky character during his playing days.
Since retiring, the Frenchman keeps us entertained with his punditry on Sky Sports, and regularly uses his suave manner to confuse the shit out of Jamie Carragher in the studio.
He’d do alright in our team, too.
