PAThe iPhone 8 has landed, and while the tech sheeple have flocked to test out its new updates, the rest of us can’t help but snigger at the ridiculousness of it all.
Apple, every now and then, drop a new iPhone and inevitably, the release eclipses everything else for a few days, playing into the perpetual millennial reliance on commodification and capitalism.
Only this time, it has Face ID.
GIPHYAs George Orwell turns in his grave, what better way to lighten the mood than a few well placed funny tweets about Apple’s latest clever and totally pointless piece of facial recognition tech.
First, we have the man, the myth, the unseeable legend, John Cena:
Sooo #iPhoneX about #FaceID …ummmmm …. what do I do?
— John Cena (@JohnCena) September 12, 2017
My main concern with the new face ID on the iPhone X is how in the world is John Cena going to unlock his phone
— DAVID DOBRIK (@DavidDobrik) September 12, 2017
It wouldn’t be a news story unless Frankie Boyle waded in with a cum joke:
Set your Apple Face ID to your comeface, so that if someone mugs you for your phone they at least have to wank you off first
— Frankie Boyle (@frankieboyle) September 12, 2017
Now, here comes the Game of Thrones fan theories:
With the new Face ID feature, Arya Stark can now unlock every iPhone in the Westeros. #AppleEvent #GameofThrones pic.twitter.com/RSoSDYuWsd
— De Rossi Shockwav'd (@TheBigFatShetty) September 13, 2017
iPhone Face ID presentation missed a real opportunity for a cross-promotion appearance with Arya Stark.
— James Poniewozik (@poniewozik) September 12, 2017
The Beyhive couldn’t believe the luck of one iPhone:
Beyoncé's IPhone X when she registers her Face ID #AppleEvent pic.twitter.com/NgGwb4uthC
— Slaycee Ellis Ross (@omfgregory) September 12, 2017
Me setting up Face ID on my new iPhone X #AppleEvent pic.twitter.com/pm3zUwfFIb
— jake (@jacobisok) September 12, 2017
Some mild banter from Ronald Isley here:
Fellas, don't let her take selfies with your iPhone X. She's really setting up Face ID for her access to your phone. Stay woke. #AppleEvent pic.twitter.com/iCCMoPyA7R
— ronald isley (@yoyotrav) September 12, 2017
And then there were the Doomsday Robot Uprising jokes, of course:
Your iPhone is memorizing your face so when the robots rise up they can positively ID you for the drone strikes.
— Comfortably Smug (@ComfortablySmug) September 12, 2017
All jokes aside, the iPhone does seem to be, as the straight-talking tech heads would say, a ‘nifty piece of kit’, featuring an all-glass casing, A11 Bionic processor, a dual-lens camera setup which pairs a 12-megapixel rear lens with a telephoto lens in the iPhone 8 Plus.
Apple said the iPhone 8 would go up for pre-order on September 15, ahead of a final release date of September 22.
It costs £699 SIM-free for the 64GB version, rising to £849 for the 256GB variant.
For the 64 GB iPhone 8 Plus you’ll have to fork out £799, and the 256GB model going for a whopping £949 off-contract.
All those features and still no headphone jack… Android 4eva.
A former emo kid who talks too much about 8Chan meme culture, the Kardashian Klan, and how her smartphone is probably killing her. Francesca is a Cardiff University Journalism Masters grad who has done words for BBC, ELLE, The Debrief, DAZED, an art magazine you’ve never heard of and a feminist zine which never went to print.