PA/GreggsThey say there’s a fine line between love and hate, with many passionate romances kindled by furiously opposing viewpoints. And could it be that we’ve just found the Pride and Prejudice of our times?
Eternally affronted Good Morning Britain host Piers Morgan has long made it clear that he finds no pleasure in Greggs’ vegan sausage rolls; a snack which apparently leaves him feeling nauseous with contempt.
But, like many a stubborn literary hero before him, could it be that he actually harbours a secret flame for the baked treat, and is actually in awe of its ethical spirit and warm, golden crust?
PAPiers, 54, has long insisted there is ‘nothing virtuous’ about Greggs’ vegan sausage roll, and yet he cannot help but be drawn to it again and again.
Although Piers professes to love the meatier original, this product just doesn’t get the same airtime or the same wild-eyed declarations of disapproval. He knows it’s wrong – it’s against his brand – and yet still he cannot resist.
This is an internal dilemma picked up on by London-based YouTuber Alizee Yeezy, who has fictionalised Piers’ relationship with the vegan sausage roll through her erotic novella Piers Morgan’s Vegan Lover.
This racy pastry ripper imagines a scene of passion between Piers and a vegan sausage roll, with the persnickety presenter finally giving into his deepest, flakiest desires before being caught in the act by long-suffering co-host Susanna Reid.
GreggsAccording to the book’s synopsis, critics have hailed the risqué romp as ‘a 21st century Romeo and Juliet, if Shakespeare was on drugs’:
He was a well-loathed morning TV personality; she was seduction, sin, and plant-based. His pulse raced every time he thought of her, either that or his rage-induced high blood pressure was finally catching up to him. .
The narrative begins with Piers and Susanna presenting Good Morning Britain, where one of the topics of conversation includes a dog who has learned to play the piano. And then things got as steamy as a freshly-opened oven at Greggs.
In prose which may well delight those who have long pondered Piers’ passion for the humble pastry, Alizee wrote:
He admired the soft curves and the way the light rested on her dry skin.
ITVIn one smutty section, Susanna actually ends up fainting in shock after finding Piers in a state of greasy disarray:
She found Piers Morgan crouched over his bed, naked, with his penis inside a sausage roll. Empty Greggs packages littered his once-fine room; it was the scene of a bakery bombshell. Piers was covered in flaky pastry, sausage meat was stuck all over his hands.
He was grunting, his body pouring with perspiration, droplets of sweat rolling down his forehead and red cheeks as he pumped himself frantically into the Nation’s Favourite Roll.
Speaking with Metro about the inspiration behind the naughty novella, Alizee explained:
Why is a good question. It’s something I’ve thought to myself over sleepless nights. I was having a discussion with someone at 3am about strange corners of the internet where anything and everything has been written about as erotic fiction.
Which led us to wonder if there had ever been erotica about, say, Jack Whitehall or Piers Morgan. Writers often say they don’t come up with ideas, but the ideas come to them instead.
For me, it was the question: Piers Morgan is always banging on about sausage rolls. Why doesn’t he marry one? Or f*ck one? The rest is history.
ITVUnsurprisingly, Piers has been left less than impressed by this inventive piece of erotica, tweeting, ‘it was tasteless’. It’s not immediately clear whether he was talking about the book or the sausage roll.
Could Piers Morgan be the new Christian Grey? Find out for yourself by purchasing a kindle version of Piers Morgan’s Vegan Lover – which currently holds a five star Amazon review – here.
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Jules studied English Literature with Creative Writing at Lancaster University before earning her masters in International Relations at Leiden University in The Netherlands (Hoi!). She then trained as a journalist through News Associates in Manchester. Jules has previously worked as a mental health blogger, copywriter and freelancer for various publications.